Yo Ho Ho..."Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales"

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017)

Rated PG-13

Starring Johnny Depp, Javier Bardem, Geoffrey Rush, Brenton Thwaites, Kaya Scodelario,

Directed by Joachim Ronning

The Story:

It's the latest adventure of Captain Jack Sparrow (Depp) running from all manner of cursed pirates as he seeks the elusive Trident of Poseidon. New faces and some returning characters make this the most star-studded chapter yet.

As we enter the 5th chapter of the franchise, I really couldn't tell you what has happened in any of the 4 that have come before it.

After this one ended, I really couldn't tell you much about it either.

And that has been my impression of the Pirates franchise since its inception.

Gorgeous locations and special effects.

Some of the best looking pirates/ghost effects you can hope for.

Meanwhile, Johnny Depp running around like a drunken Keith Richards just having a good time.

Yeah, that really does sum everything up.

If you've seen the first four, you're not going to be disappointed.

I wouldn't say the franchise is getting any better, nor is it really getting any worse.

They're toeing the line, and introducing some new blood that may take center stage if/when the franchise chugs ahead.

I assume they'll make these as long as Depp is willing/able to do so.

Considering they make a ton of money, and his other movies usually crash on arrival, I'd say we're good for at least another 4 or 5 of these.

If you missed it the first go round, it's now streaming on Netflix as of this writing.

Final Grade: C+

It Was A Banner Year For Badness... "The 2016 Turkey Of The Year Awards"

Welcome to the FIFTH ANNIVERSARY of our annual Thanksgiving tradition celebrating the worst Hollywood had to offer.

Another year has just flown by.

Looking back at last year, only 6 movies made my worst of the year list.

This year, I've currently reviewed 185 movies, and will probably get to 200, give or take, by the end of the year.

Those movies that received grades of F through D+: 21

So about 10% of the movies I watch are lousy.

I can live with those odds, because at least the other 90% are at least passably entertaining to just plain amazing.

However, I'm not going to relive all of that pain and suffering.

There were a lot of smaller budget/never heard of it before films that can easily be overlooked, and in hindsight, should have been for my sake.

:)

I'm going to concentrate on the would-be blockbusters that should have impressed, but missed their marks, or at least on those films you probably heard about.

Either way, the list is twice as long, and twice as bad, as last year!

And that makes the fifth annual Turkey of the Year the WORST YEAR ever in movies, topping the previous record holder of 10 from 2013!!

So on that note, let's start the list by going BIG!

# 12

Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice 

Sure, you say, "well, it wasn't that bad..."
I counter with you're right, and it also wasn't that good.
There was no enjoyment in watching this movie.
No thrill, no awe, no wonder.

No joy.

It was watchable, but this movie should have been the greatest movie of all time.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again:

Superman.
Batman.
Wonder Woman.
First. Time. Ever.
Together. In a film.

How do you go wrong?

Well, you had it to Warner Brothers and they go dark with director Zack Snyder.

There were some interesting ideas and moments in the film, and I totally approve of Affleck as Batman and Gadot as Wonder Woman.

Cavill, however, is not given a whole lot to do, and this Superman sequel becomes a Batman reboot.

If DC was trying to "not be Marvel" well, they fully succeeded.

And if trailers for Justice League (and even Suicide Squad) are indicators, Warner Brothers/DC have realized that these are comic book characters. It's okay to have a little fun with them.

The audience really doesn't mind, and neither do the actors.

# 11

Hail, Caesar!

 An ode to the Golden Age of Hollywood, the Coen brothers recreate a big budget epic with lots of little subplots and bit characters to take a sliver of an idea and turn it into a movie. My biggest problem, was aside from Josh Brolin's character, I really didn't have any emotional investment or care in any of the other characters that he associated with throughout the movie.

However, I'm inclined to agree that I'm probably just not a big fan of the Coen Brothers library of films, as I've seen but a handful of them, not seen most of them, and really haven't been thrilled with those that I have seen.

I know, shame on me.

:)


# 10

Everest 

The hardest movie that I reviewed this year, because the people were real.

And they were real idiots.

So to type things like that in a movie review, you feel bad because they were real people.

But at the end of the day, they made a lot of stupid decisions that cost themselves, and others, their lives.

And as you watch that unfold, entertainment begins to argue with logic, and you realize that you're not being entertained, and you're just kind of sick and irritated that people would make dumb decision after dumb decision, and so you want the movie to be over with, and when it is, you almost think...

You totally got what you deserved.

And this was one untold true story that should have stayed that way. 

I told you, I'm heartless.



# 9 

Black Mass 

It wouldn't be a "Worst of the Year" list without Johnny Depp, now would it?

Breaking the tie with Leonardo DiCaprio for most appearances on these lists, Depp now has the distinction of being the worst of all time. :)

Or, at least the last 5 years.

And yes, I've debated for more than a few minutes to include the highly overrated The Revenant to this list.

So what was wrong with the film?

Hard to put my finger on it exactly, but let's start with it not being very entertaining. 

I watched a documentary shortly after this, and it was better put together and more suspenseful than anything this film had to offer.

Had I watched it first, it would have possibly been a best of the year documentary contender, but by the time I saw it, this movie had pretty much soured my mood on the subject matter, so I don't think I was able to enjoy that documentary to its fullest extent.

Depp gives another performance that isn't Jack Sparrow, so there's that, but it's also one with no depth.

The real Whitey Bulger was charismatic and had people on both sides of the law in awe and fearful of him.

I never sensed that in this film.


# 8 

Joy

Ah yes, this one.

Congratulations on being the only movie on this year's list that I didn't watch past the 20 minute mark.

Gold star for that, I suppose.

Just didn't care for any of the characters, though I was mildly interested to stick around for DeNiro's character.

He was the only one of the bunch I had any desire to see continue on screen, but it wasn't enough to endure this one. 



# 7 

The Brothers Grimsby

I've said it many times before, and I'll say it again:

I have no problem with R rated comedies if they want to be crude and vulgar, as long as they are funny while doing so.

This one was crude.

However, it was only funny about 3 different times, and that's not a good average or a film that runs under 90 minutes.

Bonus points for at least putting the audience out of their misery quickly by having a short movie.

That said, when they concentrated on parodying the spy genre, the film wasn't half bad.

But then Cohen took over again, and the movie just came screeching to a halt.



# 6

Rock the Kasbah 

Another based on a true story.


Wow, that actually makes 4 of the films based on real events.

That's a really bad average considering most movies based on actual events are really good and enjoyable.

1/3 of the movies I didn't like this year actually happened.

So come on folks, have better, more interesting things happen in your life, or don't bother making a movie about it.

Awe inspiring.

Heart wrenching.

That's what makes a good story.

This dramedy wasn't funny enough, nor dramatic enough, to effectively work as anything.

Seemed like just a chance to get Bill Murray to goof his way through a movie and it would be winning just based on his charm.

Then throw in lots of big name, small role co-stars and you'll have an indie smash.

Color me unimpressed.


# 5

High Rise

The film captured the look and texture of the 70s. 

Which is really good, since that's when the movie takes place.

Maybe that's the problem.

Had this movie been made in the 80s or even 90s, you could think, why yes, it's still a strong parable for class warfare.

Waiting this long however, the tale just seems to be a goofy cautionary tale that isn't really warning us of anything, and if it's a black comedy/satire...

Well, it's just not that good, period.

Tremendous cast, thrown to the wolves.

Pity.



# 4 

The Good Dinosaur

Pixar finally hits rock bottom for yours truly.

A miss-mash of attempted gags, dangled loosely together with a storyline that feels very familiar.

Which it should, because it borrows, heavily, from so many other, better films that came before it.

By the time it flipped into a western, even Sam Elliot couldn't save this one, and I began laughing at the film, not with the film.

That said, the background scenery in this film is AMAZING!


# 3 

Pan

Ugh.


Just the thought of watching this one makes me ache again.

It started off great with snatching the boys during the Blitz in London.

Then they went to Neverland, broke into a Nirvana musical number, and they lost me as a viewer from that moment onward.

If anything else happened that could have salvaged the film, it was too little, too late from this movie.

I will happily endure just about any of the Disney Tinkerbell movies before I would ever even think of trying this one again.

Of course, those films are absolutely fun to watch, while not destroying the entire Peter Pan concept.

No such luck here.



# 2

The Ridiculous 6For those without Netflix, finally some good news.

:)

Sandler's first outing on Netflix was just not that good.

I've defended most of his films over the years because I often found them to be amusing or really funny.

He seemed to be an automatic punching bag that a Sandler movie was just plain awful, and that's just not true.

Until now.

Aside from the invention of baseball scene, there's not a single funny bit in this entire film.

I worried that Netflix was getting a bad deal, but they said no worries, it was their most viewed movie in history.

Aha.

A bunch of closet Adam Sandler fans after all.  :)

And thankfully, his more recent efforts have returned to being much more humorous.


# 1 

Fantastic Four (2015) 

No.

This is not acceptable.

As we are just weeks away from 2017, superhero movies cannot be this bad anymore, by any studio with any sort of budget.

Dear 20th Century Fox, you either don't know how to make a good Fantastic Four movie, or don't care to even try at this point.

Which is one thing, if you're going to do some low-budget sci-fi / comic-book type hero story with no major implications in the grand scheme of things. Pretend these characters are anyone OTHER than the Fantastic Freakin' Four, and it's almost a decent movie.

But couple it with the rejuvenation of the X-Men franchise with Days of Future Past and Deadpool, and it just seems like this franchise either needs to be given a chance to live and breathe on its own with a more faithful adaptation and less studio meddling...

Or create a Sony-like deal where the first family of Marvel comes back to Marvel Studios.

At least it would get a fair shot at giving the team their best film outing yet.

And this from a guy that really enjoyed the first film, because I thought the relationship between Ben & Johnny was just about perfect. The rest was just extra.

Oh, and one last word of advice: leave Doom alone for now.

He's been done (poorly) to death at this point.

That's it, that's all for this year.

As always, thanks for reading, and hopefully next year will be turkey-free!

But somehow, I doubt it.

:)

Because 'Surfing Burglars' Would've Been A Dumb Name For "Point Break"

Point Break (1991)

Rated R

Starring Keanu Reeves, Patrick Swayze, Gary Busey, Lori Petty, John C. McGinley,

Directed by Kathryn Bigelow

The Story:

Johnny Utah (Reeves) has joined the FBI, and his first assignment, he wants a crack at the Ex-Presidents, a gang who have been robbing banks in California. He teams with burnout Pappas (Busey) who has a crazy theory that the robbers are surfers. Utah goes undercover and meets Bodhi (Swayze), a charismatic surfer who may be the mastermind behind the crime sprees. The deeper Utah gets, the more his loyalties will be questioned.

Whoa.

Obligatory Keanu joke out of the way.

How did I not see this film in 25 years?

Easy, it didn't seem like that great of a film, so I wasn't in any hurry.

Then I saw the previews for the Point Break remake, and I thought to myself, seriously?

Let's see what all the fuss is about.

2 hours later...

I still don't see what all the fuss was about.

: )

The film is an okay action flick, and it is buoyed considerably by the charisma of Swayze and Reeves.

And say what you will about Keanu's ability to act (or not act...) looking over the resumes of several actors, I'll take his output and performance over, say, Johnny Depp, any day.

Swazye also has an effortless charm onscreen, and it makes me wonder why I've also never bothered to watch Dirty Dancing or Road House?

Perhaps when those remakes come calling, I'll be back!

Plus, you get the over-the-top crazy that is Gary Busey, plus John McGinley playing a first class tool, so what's not to love?

Otherwise, a little dated, but fun nonetheless, you can definitely do worse if you're looking for 90s action flicks.

For those that haven't seen it in the last 25 years (!!!!), maybe you'll want to revisit this one.

We'll find out how the remake fares against the original, tomorrow!

Final Grade:  C+

Truth Is More Boring Than Fiction..."Black Mass"

Black Mass (2015)

Rated R

Starring Johnny Depp, Benedict Cumberbatch, Joel Edgerton, Dakota Johnson, Kevin Bacon, Peter Sarsgaard, Adam Scott,

Directed by Scott Cooper

The Story:

Based on the true story of James "Whitey" Bulger (Depp), this drama attempts to show how devious he was by ensnaring FBI Agent John Connolly (Edgerton) into making him an informant for the FBI which then gave him carte blanche to do as he pleased in the criminal underworld of Boston. Meanwhile his brother Billy (Cumberbatch) was a respected politician that helped his brother enough, but not to the point of being in the same spotlight with him.

Here you have a 2 hour drama that felt like 12 hours of your life slipped by.

Excruciatingly dull, this is a mafia drama with really, very little drama.

All we see are members of Bulger's gang confessing to this that or the other via flashbacks.

It turns out that Bulger's informant status may very have been completely fabricated by John Connolly. Bulger never ratted on anyone, a fact he holds very strongly too today. Connolly simply used testimony from other snitches to create Bulger's file.

The cast itself is a remarkable assemblage of talent. The sad part is, they are given very little to do.

Cumberbatch seems wasted in what is essentially a glorified cameo. That part could have been given to just about anyone and carried the same gravitas to the role.

Kevin Bacon seems to give the most passionate performance, too bad his screen time is likely 5 minutes or less.

I may have mocked Depp in the past for only playing the same character (Captain Jack) for the last 15 years or so, but when given a role like this...

Perhaps Captain Jack is him actually acting and doing a pretty good job, because he is stale, wooden and rather boring in this role. Of course, I have to go all the way back to Edward Scissorhands to find a Johnny Depp role I did like, so take it with a grain of salt.

:)

There is little passion, energy or excitement throughout the movie. There doesn't feel like escalating tension that Bulger is just getting away with things or people are becoming suspicious that Connolly may be helping Bulger out.

I'll give this one a "D" for disappointment.

Final Grade: D+

The 2015 Turkey Of The Year Is...

First, thanks to my 2nd oldest for crafting today's image. She rocks!

Now, on with the countdown.

Another year has come and gone, and I've racked up my share of bad movies.

Amusingly, the 17 movies or TV shows that I raked across the coals are almost always my most read reviews.

Apparently you all like to feel my pain.

:)

So a quick reminder on how I make my choices:

I want to be entertained.

That's it, that's all.

I normally give all movies 20 minutes to woo me, but there are some occasions where I have to hit the eject.

However, most of those are low/no budget films that are trying to appeal to some demographic that clearly isn't me.

And since they have no budget, they really aren't going to be mentioned more than once on my site.

No, instead I want to celebrate the big duds that we all heard about, and maybe were excited to go see in a theater or at least at home.

And then you watch it unfold, and it can either be a trainwreck of epic proportions that you can't believe saw the light of day and cannot turn away, or so bad it's got to come out immediately.

So walk with me down memory lane and take a look at the Worst of the Worst that I endured between Thanksgiving 2014 and Thanksgiving 2015.


Honorable Mention:

Mr. Peabody & Sherman - No, not the movie, the dreadfully unfunny and ugly animated streamer on Netflix. Luckily, I normally countdown just the big budget films, so this one is safe. But boy, was it bad...

Now, on to the films:

6) Fury - Originally given a C-, I had a "what was I thinking moment" and downgraded it further. I'm not sure what's worse, a bad war movie, or a boring war movie. I'll pick boring. Because bad, you can write that off as "well, they tried." But boring?  A war movie should never be boring. Sure, you can have quiet moments in the film, but with a cast like this, I want to feel for the characters. I want to feel bad when they get picked off, instead of rooting for them to die so the end of the movie can get here that much sooner.

5) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles -  What a spectacular mess. Some of my kids actually enjoyed this one for what it is, but I just couldn't wrap my head around this one. That there will be a sequel...ugh... But big, muscle bound steroid turtles just aren't my vision of what the turtles could, and should be. They weren't that funny, the voice acting left a lot to be desired, and it had Megan Fox. How many franchises can one woman ruin?

4) A Million Ways To Die In The West - I simply have to realize that Seth MacFarlane's over the top crude humor is just not my cup of tea. A little goes a very long way in my book. A 30 second gag is one thing, but 90 minutes of it is just a bit much. Were there funny parts? Sure. Again, he's got a great sense of humor, he just dials it past 11, and after a while, that one trick pony isn't as funny as it used to be. Most people I know loved this one. I'm happy for you.

3) Into The Woods - When I don't like a musical, you know you're doing it wrong. And this one hit it wrong almost from the word go. The musical numbers aren't catchy and you don't walk out of the movie humming or whistling their melody. Like the film, they are forgettable. Except Johnny Depp's number, which is just nothing short of creepy. You have to take a shower after watching that scene. If I gave out an award for worst actor, Depp would win, because this isn't his only turn on the list.

2) Chappie - I had high hopes. They were repeatedly dashed to bits as this movie wore on (and on...) Overlong. Over-stupid. They put RoboCop and Short Circuit in a blender, and sucked all the fun and heart from both of those movies and gave us this instead. Hugh Jackman tries his best to save the film from being anything short of boring, but it comes way too late in the movie to redeem this sucker.

And finally, the moment you've all been waiting for:

1) Mortdecai - The only film on this list that I simply could not endure another minute of. If it got better after the first 15 minutes, please don't tell me. Let me forget that I even tried to make it through this film. A waste of talent, and all involved should be ashamed of themselves. The set back the world of cinema at least 20 years. Unfunny from the start, and Johnny Depp is becoming one of my least favorite actors of all time by churning out dull and lifeless performances. All the hate that people direct towards Tom Cruise? You're looking the wrong way people, at least Cruise puts out decent films, regardless of how you feel about his acting chops. The best thing he's done since the cameo in 21 Jump Street, I had to search all the way back to Chocolat (2000) to find a movie he's starred in that I've enjoyed. Not a great track record.

So there you have it. The worst films of 2015.

Here's to another great year of movies, which will undoubtedly have a few clunkers.

I hope to see you all back here next year to revisit those.

The countdown begins...now!

This Movie Should Be Dragged "Into The Woods" And Left There

Into The Woods (2014)

Rated PG

Starring Anna Kendrick, Meryl Streep, Daniel Huttlestone, James Corden, Emily Blunt, Christine Baranski, Tracey Ullman, Johnny Depp, Chris Pine, Mackenzie Mauzy, and a cast of thousands.

Directed by Rob Marshall

The Story:

What do you get when you combine Cinderella, Rapunzel, Red Riding Hood, Jack and the Beanstalk a wicked witch and an annoying baker and his wife into a musical?

If you guessed an excruciating 2 hours (plus change!) of your life sucked from the earth, congratulations, you've apparently already seen this movie.

Oh. My. Goodness.

I can see that on paper this might sound appealing. 

Apparently, it works on the Broadway stage.

But wow, this was a rambling, overblown mess of a movie that just wouldn't end.

You think it will, but no, it's like they remembered, no, we still have the big finale where all the tales must once again intersect with each other in the  most contrived way possible.

So why did I finish the whole film, you ask?

I'm not sure.

Boredom.

Train wreck style, I wanted to see if it could get any worse.

Well, it never truly got worse, but it never got any better.

It was a visually pleasing movie, and all of the actors were game for their roles.

It was simply too much.

And not even of a good thing, it was simply too much of everything.

I'm guessing that some of this was added for the movie, because I can't see a broadway production pulling off that massive of a storyline every night.

Plus, the one thing about a good musical, or even an average musical, is the songs which the cast should sing.

There isn't a memorable tune or melody to be found in this feature from start to finish.

Except one.

The one sung by Johnny Depp to a little Red Riding Hood.

This was perhaps the most cringe-worthy cinematic experience I've ever endured, watching a 50+ year old man dressed as a wolf, but only vaguely, expressing his desires for a child.

Unintentional I'm sure, but wow, does it just come off with a creepiness factor of about 11.

Final Grade: D

Bombs Bursting All Right... "Mortdecai"

Mortdecai (2015)

Rated R

Starring Johnny Depp, Gwyneth Paltrow, Ewan McGregor, Paul Bettany

Directed by David Koepp

The Story:

Usually I try and sum up a film in a few sentences to give you an idea of what the film is about, without giving away any spoilers. However, I think I'll let Lionsgate do the the heavy lifting this time around:

" Juggling some angry Russians, the British Mi5, his impossibly leggy wife and an international terrorist, debonair art dealer and part time rogue Charlie Mortdecai must traverse the globe armed only with his good looks and special charm in a race to recover a stolen painting rumored to contain the code to a lost bank account filled with Nazi gold."

That's way better than I could do.

Heck, that synopsis almost makes me want to see this film again.

Except I watched the first 15-20 minutes of the film, and didn't get any of that.

My snynopsis would read something more along the lines of:

"Johnny Depp makes another piece of #@$# movie wherein he plays himself, or some semblance of Jack Sparrow, because he's a shell of an actor and continues to con his way into payday after payday making crap that people keep watching for some reason."

Oops.

Not a very good synopsis.

Not a very good movie.

Waste of a talented ensemble, and Johnny Depp continues to be on cruise control.

The movie never decides if it wants to be serious, a farce, a serious farce, a farcical drama.

So....sooooo bad.

Easily the worst movie of 2015.

Save yourself!

 Final Grade: F-

Sentient Computers...What Could Go Wrong? "Transcendence"

Transcendence (2014)

Rated PG-13

Starring Johnny Depp, Rebecca Hall, Paul Bettany, Cillian Murphy, Kate Mara, Cole Hauser, Morgan Freeman

Directed by Wally Pfister

The Story:

Will Caster (Depp) is a brilliant scientist who thinks that an Artificial Intelligence could become a sentient being if allowed to be uploaded onto the internet.  His best friend (Bettany) warns that it is a dangerous proposition.  When cyber-terrorists cause Caster's death, his essence is uploaded onto his program.

What could possibly go wrong?

Haven't people seen War Games? The Terminator?

Computers = Bad

This movie = Not that great.

The problem, well, I 'll start at the beginning.

When you have a voice-over that says, in essence, a few years ago, before we lost everything...

So, you get the idea of where the movie is going to go, and how it's going to get there.

No surprises. No intrigue.

It simply happens.

Zzzzz.


Final Grade: C-

Rewatchability/Purchase Factor: None at all.

Stomping On Childhood Memories Part Two: "The Lone Ranger"

The Lone Ranger (2013)
Rated PG-13 for Violence, language, and killing the legacy of a venerable American hero

Starring Johnny Depp, Armie Hammer, William Fichtner, Tom Wilkinson
Directed by Gore Verbinski


The Story:

Tonto (Depp) narrates the story about how he and The Lone Ranger (Hammer) successfully defeated Butch Cavendish (Fichtner) and brought a corrupt railroad magnate (Wilkinson) to his knees.

That's not the William Tell Overture...
That's the sound of my childhood dying!

So many wrong decisions... where do I begin?

First, let's start with the tandem of Gore Verbinski and Johnny Depp.

The duo behind the wildly successful Pirates of the Caribbean series...

Don't get me started on that franchise.

The first one was okay, at best.  I've seen them all, and I couldn't really tell you what happened in any of them, except Johnny Depp parades around acting like a drunken fool and special effects rain down across the screen.

Hey, moving from pirates to the Old West, they pretty much keep the same formula intact.

The biggest crime?

They play The Lone Ranger as a farce.

That Giant Boom? That's The Box Office Bomb Going Off!

He was not an inept bumbler who got lucky in a fight.

Plus, the whole "Who Was That Masked Man?" was pretty much thrown out as everyone knew who he was, so what was the point of even donning the mask?

I don't even blame Hammer for his performance, he's almost charming in his role and has a few moments where if they had played the film straight, he would have done the character justice.

Nope, I keep the blame strictly on the Producers, Directors and Writers who decided THIS was the direction to take the film.

The funny thing, in the movie's 149 minute bloated run-time, there are times when it looks...and feels... like there is a good western film bubbling under the surface.

Then they come back with some newly contrived plot element that slaps you in the face and makes you realize, no, still the same movie, sorry.

Silver is the mystical spirit horse?

The Best Actor In This Scene Is Not Johnny Depp

Really??!!

:: sigh ::

In spite of myself, when the final climax of the film gets started, along with the William Tell Overture...

The heart skips a beat because of nostalgia for Clayton Moore and Jay Silverheels and all those Saturdays and Sundays growing up when The Lone Ranger was on and I watched with my dad.

Some Classics Are Better Left Alone

Being tricked like that is a horrible feeling. 

Which again is a shame, because some of the stunts in the final act are pretty entertaining, but at that point, I can only sit back and shake my head with indifference.

It could have been better.

It should have been better.

The Lone Ranger deserved better.

So did the fans.

Final Grade: Originally was going to give it a D+ for the things it got right...but the more I type this review, the angrier I became.  So now, let's just go straight "D".

Rewatchability/Purchase Factor: Thanks, but no thanks.

What's Scarier Than the Tax Man? "Never Sleep Again: The Elm Street Legacy"

1...2...Freddy's Coming For You...

Yeah, nearly 30 years later and it's STILL creepy!!!

The Story:

It's time to take a look back at the franchise that put New Line Cinema on the map, and created not only a horror franchise, but a world-wide phenomenon that is... Freddy Krueger.

First, this is a documentary made with love by Heather Langenkamp (Nancy!) from the first Elm Street movie.

It clocks in at an impressive 4 hours, but it goes by in an instant.  Each movie receives its own  screen time as they talk with as many actors and directors, producers, FX  personnel as they can.

Really, they've got Robert Englund and Wes Craven, so anything else is gravy.

That the only people that don't come and chat about it are Johnny Depp and Patricia Arquette, well apparently they're too important to remember before they were stars.

: )

The most interesting thing that this documentary uncovers is how Freddy Krueger paralleled the rise and fall of New Line Cinema.  For that, we are met with Bob Shaye, the man that created New Line.  It's hard to be sad at what was probably a very wealthy settlement when New Line was absorbed into Time Warner, but still...

For what New Line was created to do, you can see that a void was created when the studios start sucking up all the independent ventures that are happening in Hollywood.

I realized that I'm not as much of an Elm Street fan as I had thought because I have never seen anything past Part IV.

I may have to rectify that in the future! : )

This documentary came out before the remake, and let me just go on record as saying that the remake of Nightmare on Elm Street was utter garbage.

There was no excitement, no fun.

The only thing it got right, was better special effects at the end.

While it's true that you can put anyone behind Jason's mask (sorry Kane Hodder), there is only one Freddy, and that's Robert Englund.

Final Grade: B+

Would I Own It: Only if, and when, I own the series.  Wondering if I want to creep myself out an watch the original again?  Eeep!

This Movie Bites ~ "Dark Shadows"

Today we delve into the big screen remake of Dark Shadows.

Aside from knowing that the series existed in the 60s, I have no knowledge of the show whatsoever.  Maybe that's for the better as Hollywood usually tramples over beloved TV franchises when they remake them.

The story:

In the late 1700s the Collins family sets out from England for a better life in America.  They establish the town of CollinsPort Maine, build a wonderful mansion...and are promptly killed.  Their son, Barnabas (Johnny Depp) falls in love with a girl, spurns the affections of another, who unfortunately turns out to be a real witch.  She kills his beloved, curses him to become a vampire, has him buried in the ground for all eternity.

Or, until 1972.  When Barnabas is unleashed upon a changed world where he must attempt to restore the family name, face off against the witch again, and perhaps find true love finally.


I must admit, I am not a fan of Tim Burton movies.  They generally make me say "meh" or avoid wanting to see them altogether.  His best movie that he's ever made is, was, and forever will be, Edward Scissorhands.  All the rest I could do without and not shed any tears.

This movie does nothing to dispel that notion.

The movie starts off great with the backstory.  I was intrigued and engaged... and then it moved to the modern era and the movie lost its footing.

Was it a fish out of water comedy?
Was it a gothic drama?
Was it going for a horror movie feel?
Was it looking for a romantic storyline?

Well, it tried all of this, and perhaps more, and utterly falls apart as being the sum of too many different parts.

Johnny Depp does just fine as Barnabas, and perhaps is the only reason to stay engaged watching the movie.  However it's a struggle to endure nearly 2 hours of story that could have easily been trimmed by half an hour to remove much of the extraneous fluff that helped bog the movie down.

It was great to see Michelle Pfeiffer back onscreen again.  Though given very little to do for the most part, it seems a bit of a waste.

Plus the whole last minute addition of werewolf just seemed oddly tossed in just to say there's a werewolf bit involved!  How very Twilight of them... : /

Fans of Burton, Depp and especially Burton and Depp collaborations, I say dive in, and you'll have a blast.

For everyone else, it's your call.