A Tale As Old As Time..."Beauty & The Beast"

Beauty & The Beast (2017)

Rated PG

Starring Emma Watson, Dan Stevens, Luke Evans, Josh Gad, Kevin Kline, Hattie Morahan, Ewan McGregor, Ian McKellan, Emma Thompson

Directed by Bill Condon

The Story:

A prince (Stevens) who rejects the needs of an old beggar (Morahan) is cursed to life as a beast unless he can find love, and have someone fall in love with him despite his looks. With the chance of the spell being broken in time to stop the transformation from being complete, chance sends Belle (Watson) to the castle in search of her father (Kline) and then the race is on to see if these two will fall in love and break the spell.

Egads.

Where do I begin?

I consider the 1991 animated version to be one of Disney's very best movies they've ever made.

So I've tried to approach each of the Disney live action remakes with an open mind that they're taking a good movie, trying something new-ish with it, to varying results.

Maleficent - loved it. It was actually a different take on the Sleeping Beauty story and was quite enjoyable. Later efforts, like Cinderella offered no new take on the classic, and were downright boring. Even The Jungle Book, it started off okay, but when it began singing, I totally lost interest in the film and would never bother with it again.

Which leads us to Beauty & the Beast.

It's probably unfair of me to judge this film based on the animated classic, but it's hard not to when it follows nearly every beat of the story identically.

I have no idea how close/far it follows the Broadway musical, as I've never seen it.

And for much the same reason that I was worried about seeing the film version.

Can they do the story justice?

In a word: No.

Now if you've never, ever, ever never seen the animated movie, then you'll likely enjoy this film.

I'm happy for you.

The story itself is a great one.

And the songs, especially those that were in the original, are beautiful and very catchy.

Yet when transposed to this movie...

For me, it just didn't work.

Belle's opening number has some pauses in the song that just kill the flow of the song.

Nearly all of the songs are like that, close, but not quite catching the spirit and oomph that the original had.

The cast..

Luke Evans actually pulled off Gaston very well, and of the entire cast, I think he did the best job of making the character his own.

I suppose I might as well get the sexist label out right away:

Belle, whose name means beauty (says so, right in the song) is played by Emma Watson.

Yeah... so I'm going to go out on a limb here, and say that this casting was about as smart as casting Kristen Stewart as Snow White against Charlize Theron as the evil queen. Who's the fairest in the land?

Exactly.

But whatever, she's the star, but as I watch the movie I become painfully aware that her acting and emotions are rather stilted and wooden.

In one scene, where the Beast finally lets her go, what should be a face of relief, or happiness, or just about anything is conveyed with a look of anger. Or constipation. I'll let you decide.

Stevens does fine under the makeup (which is tremendous) as the Beast.

In fact, the whole movie is gorgeous, I will always give credit where it's due, and it's a beautiful movie to watch.

But again, I can't help but compare it to what came before, and this one comes up lacking.

Big time.

I liken it to having a delicious dinner, possibly the best you ever had.

Then going to another restaurant, or maybe a friend's house, or even trying it yourself.

All the ingredients are pretty much the same, or as close as you can muster.

And it's okay at the end, but it never does quite taste as good as the meal you're trying to recreate.

In the end, the more I watched this film, the more I wanted to turn it off and watch the animated version.

That leads me to a Final Grade: C no... C-....D+

Bombs Bursting All Right... "Mortdecai"

Mortdecai (2015)

Rated R

Starring Johnny Depp, Gwyneth Paltrow, Ewan McGregor, Paul Bettany

Directed by David Koepp

The Story:

Usually I try and sum up a film in a few sentences to give you an idea of what the film is about, without giving away any spoilers. However, I think I'll let Lionsgate do the the heavy lifting this time around:

" Juggling some angry Russians, the British Mi5, his impossibly leggy wife and an international terrorist, debonair art dealer and part time rogue Charlie Mortdecai must traverse the globe armed only with his good looks and special charm in a race to recover a stolen painting rumored to contain the code to a lost bank account filled with Nazi gold."

That's way better than I could do.

Heck, that synopsis almost makes me want to see this film again.

Except I watched the first 15-20 minutes of the film, and didn't get any of that.

My snynopsis would read something more along the lines of:

"Johnny Depp makes another piece of #@$# movie wherein he plays himself, or some semblance of Jack Sparrow, because he's a shell of an actor and continues to con his way into payday after payday making crap that people keep watching for some reason."

Oops.

Not a very good synopsis.

Not a very good movie.

Waste of a talented ensemble, and Johnny Depp continues to be on cruise control.

The movie never decides if it wants to be serious, a farce, a serious farce, a farcical drama.

So....sooooo bad.

Easily the worst movie of 2015.

Save yourself!

 Final Grade: F-

Sounds A Little Fishy To Me..."Salmon Fishing In The Yemen"

Salmon Fishing in the Yemen (2011)
Rated PG-13 for language

Starring Amr Wakad, Emily Blunt, Ewan McGregor, Kristin Scott Thomas

Directed by Lasse Hallstrom

The Story:

Sheikh Muhammed (Wakad) wants to bring his peaceful hobby of fishing to the dry arid desert of Yemen.  So working with a fisheries expert (McGregor), they plan to construct a river and fill it with Salmon.  However, the British government winds up only giving them hatchery raised salmon which don't know how to spawn upstream instinctively.  Couple that with some Yemen extremists who aren't thrilled with what the Sheikh is up to, and this dream may derail long before it even has a chance to succeed.

Meh.

Again, another film more appropriately labeled a dramedy, than a comedy.

There's some humor, but it's not "funny'.

I had high hopes for this one, but really, it was average, at best.

The performances were fine, but I was never really grabbed by anything else to make me invest more into the storyline.

Adding the complicated romantic subplot between McGregor and Blunt simply adds to the run time and really adds nothing to the story.

The best part of the film is the ending when we truly discover if the Sheikh's ideas would work or not.

Final Grade: C

Rewatchability/Purchase Factor: Nah, I'm good.  Once was plenty.

If It Happened, Then "The Impossible" Is The Wrong Title For This Film...

The Impossible (2012)

Rated PG-13 for language and peril

Starring Naomi Watts, Ewan McGregor, Tom Holland, Samuel Joslin, Oaklee Pendergast

Directed by J. A. Bayona

The Story:

Henry (McGregor) and his wife Maria (Watts) are on Christmas vacation in Thailand in 2004 with their 3 children: Lucas (Holland), Thomas (Joslin) and Simon (Pendergrast).  As they are enjoying a wonderful day at the pool, they are suddenly and viciously hit by a tsunami.  The force separates the family, Maria and Lucas are swept one direction, Henry and the two little boys another.  As Maria fights for her very survival, Henry chooses to leave his sons to try and find the rest of his family.  Will they all survive? Will the family be reunited?

Well of course!

One, it's a true story, and that's what happened.

However, unlike many who have seen this movie, I was not emotionally traumatized and think this was a great movie.

It was okay, at best.

That's not to make light of the real-life tragedy of what occurred by any stretch of the imagination.

Somehow though, in the cold light of looking at this film, whatever emotional chords they are trying to pluck in me, it didn't work.

In fact, the most emotional scene in the movie...

SPOILER!

Is when the brothers are reunited.

That was a sweet moment, and seemed genuine and unforced, unlike the rest of the movie.

Those little boys looked absolutely thrilled to see their older brother.

Which makes me happy, yet angry as a father.

Sorry Henry, as much as you love your wife and other son, you make sure you get those 2 boys to safety, WITH  YOU, and then you work on finding the rest of your family.

Grr.

Final Grade: C...maybe even a C-

Rewatchability/Purchase Factor: Not going to happen.

How To Review A Movie About "Amelia" ?

Amelia (2009)
Rated PG for language

Starring Hillary Swank, Richard Gere, Ewan McGregor, Christopher Eccleston

Directed by Mira Nair

The Story:

Amelia Earhart (Swank), perhaps you've heard of her?  In her famous attempt to circumnavigate the globe with her trusted navigator, Fred Noonan (Eccleston), the two vanished, never to be seen or heard from again.  Sorry if that spoils it for you, but basically that's the story you'll be watching.

Now I feel like I've spoiled the ending of the Titanic ( a movie that will never be reviewed here) ...

And Leo Dies...

So basically this is the struggles of Earhart to fly, as that was not something that women did back then.  She champions her cause, and that of women pilots everywhere.  This is where she runs into George Putnam (Gere) the man who publicizes her feats and makes her more famous by the day.

Naturally, the two fall in love and are married, and George is there for her every step of the way.

Then, enter Gene Vidal (McGregor) who puts more than a vested interest into the married pilot, and you've got your plot thickening right before your very eyes!

The movie looks great, the time period is recreated very lovingly.

But...

I Must Choose Between An Officer and a Gentleman...

It's slow... and at nearly 2 hours, probably overly long for what you're getting.

While there is supposed to be tension, this movie was kicked to the curb by me because, like Titanic, I know the ending going in. 

Where is the suspense on what she does early in her career?

I know she won't die in any plane crash until she goes for her record at the end of the movie.

:: yawn ::

Or a Jedi...

Ooo.... she loves Putnam but Vidal is making a play for her...

And yet, there's really no onscreen chemistry between any of the actors.

Again, nothing inherently wrong with any of the movie, just wanted so much more.

Your mileage may of course vary.


Final Grade: C

Rewatchability/Purchase Factor: I'd have to say that I'm good after this one.

Fee Fi Fo Fum...This Movie Doesn't Smell Bad at All! "Jack the Giant Slayer"

This is the stuff of legend...

The Story:

Jack (Nicholas Hoult) comes into the possession of some magic beans, and naturally there is a beanstalk involved.  The princess Isabelle (Eleanor Tomlinson) is whisked away to the clouds, and the King's men, including the captain of the guard (Ewan McGregor) and Sir Roderick (Stanley Tucci), her betrothed are on a mission to rescue her.  Feeling it was his responsibility, Jack goes along as well.  When they arrive, they must find the princess and escape the Giants, led by General Fallon (Bill Nighy).  Ah, but fairy tales are never that simple...

First, I intentionally made the synopsis much shorter than normal.

I would hate to give away everything that is charming about this retelling of the classic fairy tale.

I must admit that the opening of the story is very charming how it flashes between Jack and Isabelle growing up and learning the stories of the Giants.  It sets up the entire story in just a few short moment, introducing all of the players and the backstory of the giants and how they can possibly be defeated.

Then we immediately move to the present when the two are much older, and they bump into one another in the market while Jack is on his quest to sell the horse.

Fate naturally intervenes, and Jack gets the magic beans of legend, but again, like the rest of this story, even the beans have been fully fleshed out with how and why they exist, and like everything else, much thought and care was put into the entire backstory.

The scenery and special effects in the movie are absolutely beautiful to behold.  The actors are all really good in their roles.  While Jack and Isabelle were newcomers to me, Ewan McGregor seemed to be having a blast playing a supporting character and having a good time with it.  Plus, the always great Stanley Tucci is on hand to add a layer of slime to his performance as the bad guy who isn't a giant.

I enjoyed this one quite a bit, and I think the kids did too.  They didn't walk out anyway... ; )

Final Grade: B... maybe even B+

Rewatchability/Purchase Factor: I actually own a copy of this film, thanks to winning a contest!  That was pretty cool.  Makes me even more pleased that we liked it. : )