Yo Ho Ho..."Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales"

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017)

Rated PG-13

Starring Johnny Depp, Javier Bardem, Geoffrey Rush, Brenton Thwaites, Kaya Scodelario,

Directed by Joachim Ronning

The Story:

It's the latest adventure of Captain Jack Sparrow (Depp) running from all manner of cursed pirates as he seeks the elusive Trident of Poseidon. New faces and some returning characters make this the most star-studded chapter yet.

As we enter the 5th chapter of the franchise, I really couldn't tell you what has happened in any of the 4 that have come before it.

After this one ended, I really couldn't tell you much about it either.

And that has been my impression of the Pirates franchise since its inception.

Gorgeous locations and special effects.

Some of the best looking pirates/ghost effects you can hope for.

Meanwhile, Johnny Depp running around like a drunken Keith Richards just having a good time.

Yeah, that really does sum everything up.

If you've seen the first four, you're not going to be disappointed.

I wouldn't say the franchise is getting any better, nor is it really getting any worse.

They're toeing the line, and introducing some new blood that may take center stage if/when the franchise chugs ahead.

I assume they'll make these as long as Depp is willing/able to do so.

Considering they make a ton of money, and his other movies usually crash on arrival, I'd say we're good for at least another 4 or 5 of these.

If you missed it the first go round, it's now streaming on Netflix as of this writing.

Final Grade: C+

"Mother!" May I Turn This Off?

Mother! (2017)

Rated R

Starring Jennifer Lawrence, Javier Bardem, Ed Harris, Michelle Pfeiffer,

Written and Directed by Darren Aronofsky

The Story:

A writer (Bardem) and his wife (Lawrence) live alone in an old house that is painstakingly being restored in a beautiful field. One night a stranger (Harris) arrives at the doorstep. A huge fan, the two converse through the night, and then the stranger's wife (Pfeiffer) shows up. Chaos ensues as the house and their life plunge into chaos. The worse things get for them, the more inspired He becomes to write his next work.

And if you have 2 hours of your life you're willing to part with for this painful allegory to The Bible, you can subject yourself to Darren Aronofsky's latest Hollywood offering.

It would be less painful to ask 30 people to slap you across the face with an oversized King James Version of The Bible.

Bad.

Bad all around.

Any movie where a character watches paint dry, well, that joke just writes itself...

Horrible writing, an impressive ensemble cast that just makes you cringe with every scene you are subjected to.

A running time that feels 3x longer than it really is.

Perhaps the single most painful movie I've watched from beginning to end in my entire life.

I was tempted to eject the film, but for 2018, I'm trying to be a kinder, gentler movie critic, and give it a chance to redeem itself past the 20 minute mark.

Boy, am I stupid.

:)

It will have other movies join it on the Worst Movies of 2018 list, but I can't see any movie overtaking it as THE Worst movie I'm going to see.

Avoid at all costs.

Final Grade: F-

The Reinvention of the Spy Wheel... "Skyfall"

 

The franchise gets shaken... and stirred.

The Story:

Bond (Daniel Craig) is back as 007.  This time around he must save M (Judi Dench) and all of MI6 from the threat of one of their own gone rogue (Javier Bardem).  Meanwhile, as things go from bad to worse for MI6, the British Government is holding hearings on possibly dismantling the section altogether.  It seems that the spy business is a bit outdated, so if the bad guy doesn't do it, the Brits might dismantle it themselves. 

Best. Bond. Ever?

No.

It's good.

Which for this franchise, is good enough.

The title of the film refers to the Scottish home of the Bond family, where Bond makes his final stand against the enemy.

Not everyone makes it out of the film intact and ready to film the next installment.

However the new director, Gareth Mallory (Ralph Fiennes) takes over as M, bringing with him a young secretary named Moneypenny (Naomie Harris) whom Bond will be able to flirt with.

In a cute turnabout, the franchise has gone full circle so that the M that Connery had is the same M that Craig put in the seat.

Of course this can only mean that SMERSH, SPECTRE or whatever acronym they devise for the bad guys in the next film can not be far away.

Don't think about it too much, it will make your head explode.

So yes, it's nice to have the franchise hit the reset button, it's just odd to think of the Brosnan and Craig years as the prequels.

As for the opening song, absolutely dreadful.  I cannot stand Adele, and this theme song, as with every theme song that came after A View to a Kill, is utter rubbish.

Academy Award winning rubbish, but rubbish nonetheless.

Otherwise, not a bad effort from all involved.  This is Craig's best outing in the tuxedo since Casino Royale.

Which if you want to make an argument for best Bond film ever, you will have an easier time convincing me of that film, over Skyfall.

But as we all know, Goldfinger is the best of them all.

Final Grade: B-  A B+ film marred by a screechingly bad theme song! : )

Would I Own It:  Yes, because I own every other Bond film, why stop now.  ; )