"Mother!" May I Turn This Off?

Mother! (2017)

Rated R

Starring Jennifer Lawrence, Javier Bardem, Ed Harris, Michelle Pfeiffer,

Written and Directed by Darren Aronofsky

The Story:

A writer (Bardem) and his wife (Lawrence) live alone in an old house that is painstakingly being restored in a beautiful field. One night a stranger (Harris) arrives at the doorstep. A huge fan, the two converse through the night, and then the stranger's wife (Pfeiffer) shows up. Chaos ensues as the house and their life plunge into chaos. The worse things get for them, the more inspired He becomes to write his next work.

And if you have 2 hours of your life you're willing to part with for this painful allegory to The Bible, you can subject yourself to Darren Aronofsky's latest Hollywood offering.

It would be less painful to ask 30 people to slap you across the face with an oversized King James Version of The Bible.

Bad.

Bad all around.

Any movie where a character watches paint dry, well, that joke just writes itself...

Horrible writing, an impressive ensemble cast that just makes you cringe with every scene you are subjected to.

A running time that feels 3x longer than it really is.

Perhaps the single most painful movie I've watched from beginning to end in my entire life.

I was tempted to eject the film, but for 2018, I'm trying to be a kinder, gentler movie critic, and give it a chance to redeem itself past the 20 minute mark.

Boy, am I stupid.

:)

It will have other movies join it on the Worst Movies of 2018 list, but I can't see any movie overtaking it as THE Worst movie I'm going to see.

Avoid at all costs.

Final Grade: F-

It Was A Banner Year For Badness... "The 2016 Turkey Of The Year Awards"

Welcome to the FIFTH ANNIVERSARY of our annual Thanksgiving tradition celebrating the worst Hollywood had to offer.

Another year has just flown by.

Looking back at last year, only 6 movies made my worst of the year list.

This year, I've currently reviewed 185 movies, and will probably get to 200, give or take, by the end of the year.

Those movies that received grades of F through D+: 21

So about 10% of the movies I watch are lousy.

I can live with those odds, because at least the other 90% are at least passably entertaining to just plain amazing.

However, I'm not going to relive all of that pain and suffering.

There were a lot of smaller budget/never heard of it before films that can easily be overlooked, and in hindsight, should have been for my sake.

:)

I'm going to concentrate on the would-be blockbusters that should have impressed, but missed their marks, or at least on those films you probably heard about.

Either way, the list is twice as long, and twice as bad, as last year!

And that makes the fifth annual Turkey of the Year the WORST YEAR ever in movies, topping the previous record holder of 10 from 2013!!

So on that note, let's start the list by going BIG!

# 12

Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice 

Sure, you say, "well, it wasn't that bad..."
I counter with you're right, and it also wasn't that good.
There was no enjoyment in watching this movie.
No thrill, no awe, no wonder.

No joy.

It was watchable, but this movie should have been the greatest movie of all time.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again:

Superman.
Batman.
Wonder Woman.
First. Time. Ever.
Together. In a film.

How do you go wrong?

Well, you had it to Warner Brothers and they go dark with director Zack Snyder.

There were some interesting ideas and moments in the film, and I totally approve of Affleck as Batman and Gadot as Wonder Woman.

Cavill, however, is not given a whole lot to do, and this Superman sequel becomes a Batman reboot.

If DC was trying to "not be Marvel" well, they fully succeeded.

And if trailers for Justice League (and even Suicide Squad) are indicators, Warner Brothers/DC have realized that these are comic book characters. It's okay to have a little fun with them.

The audience really doesn't mind, and neither do the actors.

# 11

Hail, Caesar!

 An ode to the Golden Age of Hollywood, the Coen brothers recreate a big budget epic with lots of little subplots and bit characters to take a sliver of an idea and turn it into a movie. My biggest problem, was aside from Josh Brolin's character, I really didn't have any emotional investment or care in any of the other characters that he associated with throughout the movie.

However, I'm inclined to agree that I'm probably just not a big fan of the Coen Brothers library of films, as I've seen but a handful of them, not seen most of them, and really haven't been thrilled with those that I have seen.

I know, shame on me.

:)


# 10

Everest 

The hardest movie that I reviewed this year, because the people were real.

And they were real idiots.

So to type things like that in a movie review, you feel bad because they were real people.

But at the end of the day, they made a lot of stupid decisions that cost themselves, and others, their lives.

And as you watch that unfold, entertainment begins to argue with logic, and you realize that you're not being entertained, and you're just kind of sick and irritated that people would make dumb decision after dumb decision, and so you want the movie to be over with, and when it is, you almost think...

You totally got what you deserved.

And this was one untold true story that should have stayed that way. 

I told you, I'm heartless.



# 9 

Black Mass 

It wouldn't be a "Worst of the Year" list without Johnny Depp, now would it?

Breaking the tie with Leonardo DiCaprio for most appearances on these lists, Depp now has the distinction of being the worst of all time. :)

Or, at least the last 5 years.

And yes, I've debated for more than a few minutes to include the highly overrated The Revenant to this list.

So what was wrong with the film?

Hard to put my finger on it exactly, but let's start with it not being very entertaining. 

I watched a documentary shortly after this, and it was better put together and more suspenseful than anything this film had to offer.

Had I watched it first, it would have possibly been a best of the year documentary contender, but by the time I saw it, this movie had pretty much soured my mood on the subject matter, so I don't think I was able to enjoy that documentary to its fullest extent.

Depp gives another performance that isn't Jack Sparrow, so there's that, but it's also one with no depth.

The real Whitey Bulger was charismatic and had people on both sides of the law in awe and fearful of him.

I never sensed that in this film.


# 8 

Joy

Ah yes, this one.

Congratulations on being the only movie on this year's list that I didn't watch past the 20 minute mark.

Gold star for that, I suppose.

Just didn't care for any of the characters, though I was mildly interested to stick around for DeNiro's character.

He was the only one of the bunch I had any desire to see continue on screen, but it wasn't enough to endure this one. 



# 7 

The Brothers Grimsby

I've said it many times before, and I'll say it again:

I have no problem with R rated comedies if they want to be crude and vulgar, as long as they are funny while doing so.

This one was crude.

However, it was only funny about 3 different times, and that's not a good average or a film that runs under 90 minutes.

Bonus points for at least putting the audience out of their misery quickly by having a short movie.

That said, when they concentrated on parodying the spy genre, the film wasn't half bad.

But then Cohen took over again, and the movie just came screeching to a halt.



# 6

Rock the Kasbah 

Another based on a true story.


Wow, that actually makes 4 of the films based on real events.

That's a really bad average considering most movies based on actual events are really good and enjoyable.

1/3 of the movies I didn't like this year actually happened.

So come on folks, have better, more interesting things happen in your life, or don't bother making a movie about it.

Awe inspiring.

Heart wrenching.

That's what makes a good story.

This dramedy wasn't funny enough, nor dramatic enough, to effectively work as anything.

Seemed like just a chance to get Bill Murray to goof his way through a movie and it would be winning just based on his charm.

Then throw in lots of big name, small role co-stars and you'll have an indie smash.

Color me unimpressed.


# 5

High Rise

The film captured the look and texture of the 70s. 

Which is really good, since that's when the movie takes place.

Maybe that's the problem.

Had this movie been made in the 80s or even 90s, you could think, why yes, it's still a strong parable for class warfare.

Waiting this long however, the tale just seems to be a goofy cautionary tale that isn't really warning us of anything, and if it's a black comedy/satire...

Well, it's just not that good, period.

Tremendous cast, thrown to the wolves.

Pity.



# 4 

The Good Dinosaur

Pixar finally hits rock bottom for yours truly.

A miss-mash of attempted gags, dangled loosely together with a storyline that feels very familiar.

Which it should, because it borrows, heavily, from so many other, better films that came before it.

By the time it flipped into a western, even Sam Elliot couldn't save this one, and I began laughing at the film, not with the film.

That said, the background scenery in this film is AMAZING!


# 3 

Pan

Ugh.


Just the thought of watching this one makes me ache again.

It started off great with snatching the boys during the Blitz in London.

Then they went to Neverland, broke into a Nirvana musical number, and they lost me as a viewer from that moment onward.

If anything else happened that could have salvaged the film, it was too little, too late from this movie.

I will happily endure just about any of the Disney Tinkerbell movies before I would ever even think of trying this one again.

Of course, those films are absolutely fun to watch, while not destroying the entire Peter Pan concept.

No such luck here.



# 2

The Ridiculous 6For those without Netflix, finally some good news.

:)

Sandler's first outing on Netflix was just not that good.

I've defended most of his films over the years because I often found them to be amusing or really funny.

He seemed to be an automatic punching bag that a Sandler movie was just plain awful, and that's just not true.

Until now.

Aside from the invention of baseball scene, there's not a single funny bit in this entire film.

I worried that Netflix was getting a bad deal, but they said no worries, it was their most viewed movie in history.

Aha.

A bunch of closet Adam Sandler fans after all.  :)

And thankfully, his more recent efforts have returned to being much more humorous.


# 1 

Fantastic Four (2015) 

No.

This is not acceptable.

As we are just weeks away from 2017, superhero movies cannot be this bad anymore, by any studio with any sort of budget.

Dear 20th Century Fox, you either don't know how to make a good Fantastic Four movie, or don't care to even try at this point.

Which is one thing, if you're going to do some low-budget sci-fi / comic-book type hero story with no major implications in the grand scheme of things. Pretend these characters are anyone OTHER than the Fantastic Freakin' Four, and it's almost a decent movie.

But couple it with the rejuvenation of the X-Men franchise with Days of Future Past and Deadpool, and it just seems like this franchise either needs to be given a chance to live and breathe on its own with a more faithful adaptation and less studio meddling...

Or create a Sony-like deal where the first family of Marvel comes back to Marvel Studios.

At least it would get a fair shot at giving the team their best film outing yet.

And this from a guy that really enjoyed the first film, because I thought the relationship between Ben & Johnny was just about perfect. The rest was just extra.

Oh, and one last word of advice: leave Doom alone for now.

He's been done (poorly) to death at this point.

That's it, that's all for this year.

As always, thanks for reading, and hopefully next year will be turkey-free!

But somehow, I doubt it.

:)

The 2015 Turkey Of The Year Is...

First, thanks to my 2nd oldest for crafting today's image. She rocks!

Now, on with the countdown.

Another year has come and gone, and I've racked up my share of bad movies.

Amusingly, the 17 movies or TV shows that I raked across the coals are almost always my most read reviews.

Apparently you all like to feel my pain.

:)

So a quick reminder on how I make my choices:

I want to be entertained.

That's it, that's all.

I normally give all movies 20 minutes to woo me, but there are some occasions where I have to hit the eject.

However, most of those are low/no budget films that are trying to appeal to some demographic that clearly isn't me.

And since they have no budget, they really aren't going to be mentioned more than once on my site.

No, instead I want to celebrate the big duds that we all heard about, and maybe were excited to go see in a theater or at least at home.

And then you watch it unfold, and it can either be a trainwreck of epic proportions that you can't believe saw the light of day and cannot turn away, or so bad it's got to come out immediately.

So walk with me down memory lane and take a look at the Worst of the Worst that I endured between Thanksgiving 2014 and Thanksgiving 2015.


Honorable Mention:

Mr. Peabody & Sherman - No, not the movie, the dreadfully unfunny and ugly animated streamer on Netflix. Luckily, I normally countdown just the big budget films, so this one is safe. But boy, was it bad...

Now, on to the films:

6) Fury - Originally given a C-, I had a "what was I thinking moment" and downgraded it further. I'm not sure what's worse, a bad war movie, or a boring war movie. I'll pick boring. Because bad, you can write that off as "well, they tried." But boring?  A war movie should never be boring. Sure, you can have quiet moments in the film, but with a cast like this, I want to feel for the characters. I want to feel bad when they get picked off, instead of rooting for them to die so the end of the movie can get here that much sooner.

5) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles -  What a spectacular mess. Some of my kids actually enjoyed this one for what it is, but I just couldn't wrap my head around this one. That there will be a sequel...ugh... But big, muscle bound steroid turtles just aren't my vision of what the turtles could, and should be. They weren't that funny, the voice acting left a lot to be desired, and it had Megan Fox. How many franchises can one woman ruin?

4) A Million Ways To Die In The West - I simply have to realize that Seth MacFarlane's over the top crude humor is just not my cup of tea. A little goes a very long way in my book. A 30 second gag is one thing, but 90 minutes of it is just a bit much. Were there funny parts? Sure. Again, he's got a great sense of humor, he just dials it past 11, and after a while, that one trick pony isn't as funny as it used to be. Most people I know loved this one. I'm happy for you.

3) Into The Woods - When I don't like a musical, you know you're doing it wrong. And this one hit it wrong almost from the word go. The musical numbers aren't catchy and you don't walk out of the movie humming or whistling their melody. Like the film, they are forgettable. Except Johnny Depp's number, which is just nothing short of creepy. You have to take a shower after watching that scene. If I gave out an award for worst actor, Depp would win, because this isn't his only turn on the list.

2) Chappie - I had high hopes. They were repeatedly dashed to bits as this movie wore on (and on...) Overlong. Over-stupid. They put RoboCop and Short Circuit in a blender, and sucked all the fun and heart from both of those movies and gave us this instead. Hugh Jackman tries his best to save the film from being anything short of boring, but it comes way too late in the movie to redeem this sucker.

And finally, the moment you've all been waiting for:

1) Mortdecai - The only film on this list that I simply could not endure another minute of. If it got better after the first 15 minutes, please don't tell me. Let me forget that I even tried to make it through this film. A waste of talent, and all involved should be ashamed of themselves. The set back the world of cinema at least 20 years. Unfunny from the start, and Johnny Depp is becoming one of my least favorite actors of all time by churning out dull and lifeless performances. All the hate that people direct towards Tom Cruise? You're looking the wrong way people, at least Cruise puts out decent films, regardless of how you feel about his acting chops. The best thing he's done since the cameo in 21 Jump Street, I had to search all the way back to Chocolat (2000) to find a movie he's starred in that I've enjoyed. Not a great track record.

So there you have it. The worst films of 2015.

Here's to another great year of movies, which will undoubtedly have a few clunkers.

I hope to see you all back here next year to revisit those.

The countdown begins...now!

If You See "Land Ho!" Turn The Boat Around And Keep Going!!

Land  Ho! (2014)

Rated R

Starring Earl Lynn Nelson, Paul Eenhorn

Written and Directed by Aaron Katz & Martha Stevens

The Story:

A pair of ex-brothers-in-law set off on a road trip through Iceland to apparently rediscover their youth.

I say apparently because after 5 minutes, I was so bored, I didn't want to spend the next 90 minutes of my life watching this embarrassment of a movie or listening to the insipid dialogue being spouted by the barely believable actors.

It's times like these that I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and figure out what part of the synopsis made me think, "hey, maybe this could be entertaining" and just slap the notion straight out of my head.

I wasn't even going to review this one at all, but I figured, it can be the last bad movie that gets reviewed before the annual "Worst Movies of 2015" list.

It won't make it, because I tend to give those honors to the movies that had a budget and real actors and maybe even a premise that made you want to see it.

These independents that get made for $20 bucks and a handshake with a bunch of independent film critics to rave about how great the movie is...

Color me skeptical.

Maybe it's time to see the movie poster with all the fake accolades on it, and take names of the people who are obviously telling outrageous lies in order to make ends meet.

I'm wary of you, film festival reviewers.

"Uproarious" - GQ

"B.S." - Me.

Complete waste of time.

Final Grade: F-

2014 Turkeys of the Year: The Not-So-Magnificent Seven!

Has it been a year already?

Well let's wait no longer as we celebrate the Top Turkeys of 2014!

It was a pretty good year movie-wise, at least as The Turkeys were concerned. Only a mere 18 films received a grade lower than a C-.

That's not bad.

I doubled that in the B+ or higher category, so that makes me happy.

Mostly the year was filled with a lot of "mostly average" films that were okay, but forgettable.

Ah, but the stench of these still lingers.

Thankfully, the aromatic smell of a yummy Thanksgiving dinner will soon rid me of these reminders, and I can begin looking forward to being disappointed next year with an all-new crop of films!

:D

Of the 18, I tried to stick to the "big names, big budget" films.

So there is no room to mention films like A Single Shot, The Family Tree or Ruby Sparks.

Oh wait... ;)

Now, if you liked of loved these films, I'm happy for you, they simply weren't my cup of tea.

As always, I'm happy films like this are made because I know audiences aren't cookie cutter.

Variety is a great thing and I'm happy for you.

I worry about your taste in film, but am happy for you nonetheless!

:)

So let's get the countdown started!

7 - Sex Tape

Of the movies on the countdown, this was the one that I watched for the least amount of time. I think it was 5 minutes, but it felt like an excruciatingly long 25 minutes of watching Segal and Diaz having sex. Repeatedly. Anywhere. Anytime.
Ha. Ha. Ha.
Ho. Ho. Ho.
I get it, they were young, in love, and liked sex.
I talked to a few people and they said it got funnier after about 20 minutes.
For me, 20 minutes is the most I give a movie to hook me to make me want to watch.

6 - American Hustle

So many superheroes crammed into one film. Not one piece of spandex worn between them.

:)

Ah, the drama. The most difficult genre to please me with.

I understand dramas must be slower, more deliberate, but I still want to be entertained.

This film did not do that for me.

At all.

Boring.

Talk talk talk.

Boring.

I think I made it somewhere between 10-15 minutes before I had enough and pulled it.

That I made that decision on my own with no prompting from my co-critic speaks volumes to me on how bored I was, as I really try hard to give every film its due.

5 - Beautiful Creatures

How is this possible? I've endured all the Twilight films and survived!
How can I not fall for the latest vampirey love story, set in my own beloved South Carolina?

Well for starters, South Carolina isn't the greatest place on earth, with or without vampires.

:)

Otherwise, this was an overhyped, overproduced film that was a snoozer from the minute it started and by the 20 minute mark I asked the entire viewing audience if they wanted me to pull it or leave it in.

The voting was unanimous.

That doesn't happen often.

4 - The Wolf of Wall Street

Another based on a true story drama.

Another film I didn't bother making it past the 20 minute mark.

Leonardo DiCaprio winds up on the list in back to back years, but I'm not a Leo hater.

Want proof he can act? Catch Me If You Can

I should watch that to get the taste of this film out of my memory.

:)

3 - The Lone Ranger

Finally, a movie that I made it all the way through.

That's how things are going to work a bit differently this year.

I compound the disappointment of wanting to like these films by the fact that I watched the entire thing, hoping beyond hope that it would get better at some point.

In each case I was let down.

Of the final 3, I was most nervous about this one from the moment I heard it was being made.

The Lone Ranger is, was, and always will be Clayton Moore.

Nobody else will ever fill the mask.

That said, Armie Hammer did as good as you could expect, especially given the horrible script that was turned in.

The real disgrace was allowing Johnny Depp to bring Captain Jack Sparrow dressed as an Indian to tarnish Tonto.

Ugh.

Even the finale, which was easily the best part of the movie, was truly bittersweet because you finally had action, the William Tell Overture to make you want to like what you were seeing, but ultimately, all it did was remind you of what could have been, and never can be.

2 - Noah

How do you mess up a story from the Bible?

Include Transformers!

I'm not going to get into a religious debate on the merits of this film, that is utterly pointless.

That said, if you're going to diverge so far from the story, maybe, just maybe, you need to rethink making a Biblical epic drama.

This was a traffic accident of a film.

You slow down, and keep watching, wondering how bad it really is.

Unlike the Lone Ranger where you hoped it got better, this one you waited to see what crazy thing would happen next.

In that aspect, it never disappointed.

: /

1 - Frozen

Where to begin with this one?

The world is filled with Frozen Kool-Aid drinkers who think this film was the second coming of The Little Mermaid or some nonsense.

This was easily the worst Disney Princess movie in ages, and by far the worst animated  film I've seen in ages.

It's pretty to look at, this is Disney after all.

The story is pedestrian, the voice acting is bland, and the songs are overblown, overproduced, and not that memorable.

That it made a star out of Idina Manzel is further proof that people will eat whatever is served to them.

That "Let it Go" song should never have been screeched across the radio airwaves, and I am thankful that it finally ran out of steam this summer and no longer gets any airplay.

That, and "Do You Want To Build A Snowman?" are now the butt of 2 jokes in our house for the last year.

Our household remains one of the last holdouts in America that is Frozen-free.

The fun part about this film was I sent my oldest animation majors to see the film.  It had bad reviews for months before I ever even saw it.

I thought, surely they must be exaggerating.  It couldn't possibly be that bad.

Ugh.

It was.

At least I know that we raised them right, and they know the difference between good and evil.

: )

So that's it.

Now the Worst Films of 2015...

You are officially on the clock!