Paul Blart: Mall Bad@$$... "Security"

Security (2017)

Rated R

Starring Antonio Banderas, Ben Kingsley, Liam McIntyre, Cung Le, Katherine de la Rocha, Chad Lindberg, Jiro Wang, Gabriella Wright

Directed by Alain Desrochers

The Story:

Veteran Eddie Deacon (Banderas) is down on his luck and unable to find work that was commensurate to his pay grade in the military. Desperate, he tells the unemployment office that he'll take anything. As luck has it, he can start tonight as a security guard at a local mall. Meanwhile, in a US Marshal motorcade, a star witness is heading to trial when it is ambushed, and the witness heads to the local mall for help. It's going to be a long night.

Ha! Then I find a copy of the poster, and they use the same tag line!! :)

So, in a sense it's Die Hard meets Paul Blart, with much more action and a lot less humor in this direct to DVD action thriller.

Deacon's military training kicks in as he goes about protecting the witness as well as trying to use his co-workers to defend the mall and the witness while not getting any of them killed in the process.

Meanswhile, Ben Kingsley sits outside twirling his villainous moustache and threatening to tear down the mall brick by brick.

No, it's not going to reinvent the genre, but all the same, the movie remains watchable throughout.

Security is currently streaming on Netflix as of this writing.

Final Grade: C+

The "Knight Of Cups" Was A Pretentious Bore

Knight of Cups (2015)

Rated R

Starring Christian Bale, Cate Blanchett, Natalie Portman, Brian Dennehy, Antonio Banderas, Imogen Poots,

Written and Directed by Terence Malick

The Story:

A writer (Bale) goes on a journey of discovery in Los Angeles through Las Vegas. These are his tales.

The movie opens with narration by Bale as the camera pans around and around to various scenery and other scenes that may or may not have anything to do with what is happening on screen.

I know I normally give movies 20 minutes, but I was ready to bail by the 10th minute, and I think I let if play into the first full chapter break at around the 13 minute mark.

I had no interest in the character, or whatever story was going to take place at this point.

If that means I have no appreciation for art-house films, so be it.

I come to see a movie to be entertained.

I don't mind thinking when I watch a film.

What I don't want to be thinking, is,  "why am I wasting my time watching this?"

There's a difference.

Final Grade: F

A Really Long Day At Work..."The 33"

The 33 (2015)

Rated PG-13

Starring Antonio Banderas, Rodrigo Santoro, Juliette Binoche, James Brolin, Lou Diamond Phillips,

Directed by Patricia Riggen

The Story:

Mario (Banderas) and 32 other miners are down below getting ready for their shift in an underground mine in Chile when the earth begins to shift and the mine starts to collapse. The 33 men barely make it to the sanctuary area where there is food and water for a few days worth of survival. All attempts at escape and rescue seem impossible as the mine owners cut costs and never completed escape routes. Eventually several companies come in to try and get to the men, but as the days turn into weeks, the odds of them finding anything other than corpses becomes more likely.

Based on a true story.

It's a sentimental drama that tugs at your heartstrings and makes you feel for the men.

These movies are often derided for doing the "by the numbers" routine to play on audience emotions.

Hey, I thought it worked.

And really, that's why we have phrases like "by the numbers", you check them off and you know that while you may not be pushing any envelopes or breaking new ground, you're producing a competent film that should appeal to most audiences.

I would say that is achieved in this film.

Odds are you may have overlooked or never heard of this film. I was won over by the trailer when I saw it, and I thought it looked good.

Of course, I also work for the Mine Safety and Health Administration and our job is to make sure miners come home safely at the end of each shift, so maybe I'm biased.

:)

Final Grade: B+

Third Time's The...Yawn... "The Expendables 3"

The Expendables 3 (2014)

Rated PG-13

Starring Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Wesley Snipes, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mel Gibson, Jet Li, Terry Crews, Dolph Lundgren, Harrison Ford, Antonio Banderas

Directed by Patrick Hughes

The Story:

Barney (Stallone) is on a mission with the team when he runs across his old partner-in-crime, Stonebanks (Gibson). They founded the Expendables together, and Barney thought he was dead. Instead, it's Stonebanks who is going to try and kill Barney and his all new team that he has assembled. So naturally it's up to the old gang to help save the day and stop the bad guy.

Piece of cake!

I'm not sure how I feel about this entry in the franchise.

One, everything changes.

Gone is Bruce Willis, replaced by Harrison Ford. Meh... I guess that works.

Mel Gibson is given prime crazy time to chew scenery and play the bad guy, and he does that well. You know there will be a straight up fight at the end that will leave someone dead.

Only this time, Gibson plays the Gary Busey role!

:)

Then there is Wesley Snipes who gets out of prison, and winds up right back on the big screen. He seems to get quite a bit of screen time which throws off the chemistry of the main characters a bit, in my opinion.

In fact, that's the biggest problem with the film, look at that poster. There isn't enough time to have much character interaction because there are just too many characters.

Don't even get me started on how shortchanged Banderas' part is. : /

So naturally, of the 3, this is my least favorite of the franchise.

If it was the end, so be it. It was a fun ride. The first one was good, the second one was a hoot.

This one was a suitable bookmark.

Audiences seemed to have finally had enough, but really, it was more of the same.

I guess in reality though, we've gone through just about every action start out there.

Except Steven Seagal.

Or Michael Dudikoff.

There's hope for 4 yet!

Final Grade: C+

Rewatchability/Purchase Factor: Maybe...no hurry though.

Easily The Worst Movie of 2014...So Far... "Ruby Sparks"

Ruby Sparks (2012)
Rated R for Language, and possibly making me want to kill myself instead of watching the film...

Starring Paul Dano, Zoe Kazan,  Elliot Gould, Steve Coogan

Directed by Johnathan Dayton & Valerie Faris

Now I need therapy...

The Story:

According the to the internet, this movie was supposed to be about a novelist (Dano) who creates a girl named Ruby Sparks (Kazan) who mysteriously and magically comes to life with all of the attributes that he said she would have. 

Yes, it's Weird Science remade!

The Best Part of the Review: You Now Have the "Weird Science Song Stuck in Your Head! : )

Except...

It wasn't funny.

John Hughes was not involved in any way.

And after 15 minutes that felt like 45 minutes of torture, it was turned off, thrown back into the Netflix envelope and sent back to Netflix HQ.

Looking at overall reviews for this film, apparently I'm the one that doesn't get the awesomeness of this movie.

I'm okay with that.

Watching Dano go through therapy with Elliot Gould and whining about not knowing what to write next to his agent, Steve Coogan, I had enough.

This was a waste of talent on a hackneyed script that lost any goodwill with the premise by being...

Boring.

"Can We Look Now? Is He Done Bashing Our Movie?"

It's marketed as a comedy.  It wasn't funny.

It's marketed as a drama.  It wasn't dramtic.

It wasn't a dramedy.

It. Was. Boring.

ZzzzzZzzzzZzzzz.

"I Can't Believe He Doesn't Like Us!!"

Written by Kazan, the script is tedious at best from the time it starts until I clicked it off.  If it had a better ending, hooray, but nothing could beat my ending of removing the film.

Directed by the team that brought us Little Miss Sunshine, I now begin to understand all the accolades for the film.  I felt that Little Miss Sunshine was one of the most overrated films of the 2000s.  Again, a movie that was neither drama nor comedy.  It simply existed.  The best part of the film was Alan Arkin, and the rest was simply a tedious waste of a really good assembled cast.

"We're What Everyone Is Buzzing About!"

Sounds familiar.

Apparently Annette Bening and Antonio Banderas, both of whom I love to watch in the movies were in this film. 

I never made it that far.

"But This Is What You're Missing!!"

No thanks, I'll pass.

And welcome to the Top of the List for Turkey of the Year, 2014:  Ruby Sparks.

That makes 2 for the year so far.

Yikes.

I haven't even found a movie to go on the "Best of the Year" list yet!

If you want a good movie about a writer who controls the fate of their character,  watch Stranger Than Fiction instead.

"It is Your Destiny..."

Please.

I'm begging you.


Final Grade: F

Rewatchability/Purchase Factor: No. Never.

100 Greatest Movies of All Time...That I Own. # 43 ~ The Mask of Zorro

This is a fun movie which is a blast to watch.

The story in a nutshell... The original Zorro (Anthony Hopkins) loses everything one fateful night and spends the next 20 years in jail.  When his enemy returns to Mexico, he escapes, and trains a new Zorro (Antonio Banderas) to help him save the day...and his daughter (Catherine Zeta Jones) and continue the legend of...

Zorro!

This movie falls into that "Hollywood remakes" that gets it right instead of failing to be inspired by the original versions.

By 1998, had you asked me what the greatest comic book movie ever made would have been, I likely would have responded that this movie was the closest to a great comic book movie that you could get.

Technically, Zorro was a creation of the pulp digests of the day, which was the forerunner to comic books.  So yes, I would have been correct.

: )

Now that another decade has passed, Zorro will slide out of the comic book movie and take its place as a fun action picture instead.

The opening sequence alone is worth the price of admission.

The introduction, at least to me, of Catherine Zeta Jones, was similar to Jack Black's appearance on the countdown yesterday.  Apparently she'd been in stuff before this, but for the majority, this was her big break in a larger role, and she seized it to become the star she is today.

She has great chemistry with Antonio Banderas, who revels in the part of the new Zorro.  The movie is his to carry, and he does a great job proving to audiences that he deserves a chance as a leading man in Hollywood.

The sequel, while okay, was not as fun and exciting as this one.

Better, was the inspired casting of Antonio Banderas as Puss in Boots in the Shrek franchise.  While those also do not make the countdown, they were under serious consideration, and frankly a lot of that was due to Antonio's charisma as the little cat who was clearly an extension of this character.