I Mustache If You Liked "Justice League" ?

Justice League (2017)

Rated PG-13

Starring: Ben Affleck, Gal Gadot, Henry Cavill, Amy Adams, Jason Momoa, Ray Fisher, Ezra Miller, Jeremy Irons,

Directed by Zack Snyder

The Story:

Steppenwolf (the villain, not the band) is coming to Earth to destroy it. It's up to Batman (Affleck) and Wonder Woman (Gadot) to gather a band of heroes to defeat him. Ah, if only Superman (Cavill) was still alive..

I was determined to not have another DC Extended Universe film hit my "Turkeys of the Year" list.

So I sat and watched this one awhile ago.

I know I dozed off for a few minutes at least, and when I woke up, nothing substantial had been missed.

I also know I've never dozed off during a Marvel Studios film. At least not during the first 4 or 5 times I've seen it.

Is it fair to compare the Marvel Cinematic Universe to the DCEU?

Not to DC it's not.

Again, I've pointed out what I see as some of the flaws in the DC approach to movie-making.

The tone is too dark, and the films were too rushed. Marvel took a decade to lay the foundations, and the fans, both hardcore and casual are invested by the 19th film to see what is happening to their favorites.

Conversely, DC launches a team-up from nearly the first movie, and then expands on it with the next film, tinkering with the tone mid-film to try and be more Marvel-like.

At this point, I'm not buying it.

While this movie is more watchable and more entertaining than Batman vs. Superman, that's not really saying much.

It's the old being poked in the eye by a dull stick versus a sharp stick argument.

Then when you stack it against what Marvel has given us so far this year (Black Panther and Infinity War) then you see how this movie just totally pales in comparison.

I want to like these films. I want DC to succeed.

Trust me, I'd much rather see ALL the superhero movies be good.

Maybe next time?

I'm not sure how many chances I'm willing to give, but I do know I'll never buy a ticket to see one in the theater.

What a waste of money that would be.

Final Grade: D+ to F

I Figure The Game Is Better Than The Movie..."Assassin's Creed"

Assassin's Creed (2016)  

Rated PG-13

Starring Michael Fassbender, Marion Cottilard, Jeremy Irons, Brendan Gleeson,

Directed by Justin Kurzel

The Story:

Cal (Fassbender) is a convicted felon. He's killed, but brought back to life to participate in an experiment. When hooked to a machine, he's able to channel the life and times of Aguilar, his ancestor and learn the secrets of being a member of the Assassin's Creed.

I'm assuming the game is similar to the movie.

Only more interesting and less confusing.

:)

The production values on the film are astounding, especially the look of the historical eras they produce.

But yeah, this one just never clicked as I watched it.

I get where they were going, and what they were trying to do...

But quite frankly, I never really cared nor felt engaged with any bit of the storyline.

Which you would think Assassin's vs. the Knights Templar would be an interesting idea.

Quite frankly, I was bored throughout pretty much the entire movie, and that's the kiss of death for an action film.

Final Grade: C- Changed my mind...D+

There Goes The Neighborhood..."High-Rise"

High-Rise (2015)

Rated R

Starring Tom Hiddleston, Jeremy Irons, Sienna Miller, Luke Evans, Elisabeth Moss, James Purefoy

Directed by Ben Wheatley

The Story:

Dr. Laing (Hiddleston) moves into a futuristic high-rise designed by The Architect (Irons). It has all the amenties that you could ever want, and the residents leave only to go to work...if at all. However, as the building continues to have power and other issues, a class-war between floors seems inevitable, and the whole building plunges into chaos.

Well, that was something alright.

Based on a novel by the same name, this freaky look back at a possible future in the swinging 70s is all style, and either no substance, or too much substance.

That the entire citizenry of a building would devolve into total anarchy instead of, oh, I don't know...

MOVING OUT!!!!

Seems ludicrous to me.

As a book, or a movie.

But okay, I get it, you're trying to tell a story, so sometimes you have to suspend reality a bit.

However, in the end, much like the tenants of the building, I watched myself descend into an uncaring state of what happened to these characters.

That's never a good thing in the movies.

Especially one filled with so many talented actors.

Bright side, the recreation to capture the look and feel of the 70s was pretty amazing.

That said, it's now available to stream on Netflix if you'd like to check it out for yourself.

Final Grade: D+

Epic Movie...Epic Fail. "Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice"

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)

Rated PG-13

Starring Ben Affleck, Henry Cavill, Amy Adams, Jesse Eisenberg, Diane Lane, Laurence Fishburne, Jeremy Irons, Holly Hunter, Gal Gadot,

Directed by Zack Snyder

The Story:

Taking place at the climactic battle in Metropolis, Bruce Wayne (Affleck) watches as Superman (Cavill) pretty much destroys the place in an epic showdown with General Zod. Fast forward 18 months, the world isn't sure whether or not to trust Superman, and reports of the return of the vigilante Batman, more ruthless than ever are circulating out of Gotham. These two are on a collision course, and it's not going to be pretty.

Okay, so let me repeat something I've said before:

The first cinematic team-up of Batman and Superman, ever, should have been a license for DC to print money. It should have been so amazing when it was released, that it would still be playing in theaters today.

It should be the highest grossing movie of all time, even after adjusting for inflation!

Why?

EVERYONE knows who Superman and Batman are.

Even if you've never read a comic book, you've seen them, somewhere. Shirt. Lunchbox. Underwear. Hat. Action Figure. Previous movies. Cartoons.

But yet, that didn't happen.

Why not?

Take your pick, this movie offers up 2 and a half hours (!!!!!) of reasons about what went wrong.

Here's my observations:

1) We don't want to be like Marvel!

Good call, so put out dour movies with no humor or really likable characters.

Really, that seems to be DC/Warner Brothers rallying cry.

We want to be the "adult" superhero movie.

They want the critical acclaim and adulation that came with the Nolan Bat-trilogy, but the box office success of Marvel.

I hate to say that you can't have it both ways, because clearly you can.

Except your rallying cry says "we don't want to be Marvel!" and they've consistently put out movies that have been critical and commercial hits.

I can sit here and compare Marvel to DC all day long.

No seriously, I'm at work, and it's kind of fun taking a break you know. :)

But at the end of the day, I try and judge a movie simply by what it brings to the table...

But yes, comparisons are hard to avoid.

Here's some other areas I feel the movie went wrong:

A) Hey, let's make a cohesive DC Universe!

Great idea. Wrong tactic.

Again, Marvel introduced us, slow burn, to each character who would eventually make up the Avengers.

DC has started with The Avengers, more or less, and said, see, one big universe.

Except they are starting with a sequel to a movie (Man of Steel) that...sucked...is that the good critical term?

I have little problem with Cavill in the suit, of course, they rarely let him say or do much except punch and be angry while wearing it.

I have a bigger problem with the suit.

That's not Superman.

He should be bright and shiny (not literally...ugh...) but those reds and blues should pop out, and not be subdued and shadowy, nearly black on viewing.

That's Batman's job.

B) Nobody cared that Superman died (whoops, Spoiler!) .

Let's be honest, when Doomsday killed Superman in the comics (whoops, spoiler again!) it was a BIG deal! Sure, nobody thought he would stay dead dead, but for a bit, he was dead. And the world mourned.

Why?

He'd been doing it for-ev-er. He was the gold standard that all the heroes looked up to, and when he gave his life in battle, the entire world mourned. All the heroes gathered to bury their comrade, and the entire world was saddened.

Hello... not 5 minute earlier, the world was trying to decide if they should worship Superman or deport him because he was too dangerous and an unknown entity.

So when Superman dies at the end of the movie...meh.

Aside from Martha (Lane) and Lois (Adams) who really cared? Batman, a bit, because he realized he had misjudged Clark. But the show by America was just that, a show. "Whoops, our bad, thanks Supes!"

C) The Dark Knight Returned Too Soon

Speaking of scrambling storylines, how about the proverbial DC omelette where they took the battle from The Dark Knight Returns and mixed it into this film. Except again, they take the older, wiser (eh...) Batman against a rookie Superman. Too soon, too unnecessary.

D) Someone thought Jesse Eisenberg would be a great Lex Luthor.

He didn't. Shame on you, and I hope you're now looking for work somewhere. Not sure what movie he thought he was in, but he seemed to be channeling more of the Joker than Luthor when he was onscreen.

E) The "Ultimate Edition" DVD has another 30 minutes of footage that makes the story better

Bzzzt.

Wrong answer.

While it may be true, no DVD release containing footage should make a movie "make more sense and be easier to follow" than what was released in theaters. If that's the case, your editors are failing at their job.

An enhanced version should enhance the story, not tell it better.


Okay, I need to stop kicking this dead horse while it's down, so what, if anything did they get right:

I) Ben Affleck makes a great Bruce Wayne & Batman

II) Gal Gadot is great as Wonder Woman

III) Jeremy Irons was terrific as Alfred


The fact that this movie was so savaged by critics and rejected by audiences caused DC/Warner to stop, reshoot Suicide Squad to inject "more humor" and move some studio bosses around to get a better handle on their universe.

So basically they decided:

1) We don't want to be like Marvel!

Good call.

However, I need to grade on a curve with superhero films, and much like The Fantastic Four suffered because of what they "Should Have" done compared to what they did, so to will this film.

There was just too much unrealized and wasted potential, and too much grim atmosphere.

Not my particular flavor of superheroics.

If I'm going to spend 2 1/2 hours of my life watching superheroes...

well...

Make Mine Marvel.


Final Grade: D+

Possibly The Greatest "Race" In History

Race (2015)

Rated PG-13

Starring Stephan James, Jason Sudeikis, Jeremy Irons, William Hurt, Carice van Houten, Barnaby Metschurat, Eli Goree, Shanice Benton,

Directed by Stephen Hopkins

The Story:

Jesse Owens (James) heads to Ohio State, becomes a track legend under the tutelage of coach Larry Snyder (Sudeikis) and eventually becomes the Olympic hero that everyone remembers.

The time has come to tell his story, finally.

Why it took 80 years to get to the big screen is beyond me, but with the cooperation of Jesse's family, it's finally here.

Naturally, some things are going to be compressed for time, changed for dramatic emphasis, but the nuts and bolts of the story are all the same.

The pressure faced by the Olympic committee to even go to Germany in 1936 is presented.

So too is the pressure Owens himself faced, told by the NAACP to sit out the games as a protest.

I'd like to think that history has made that symbolic gesture seem pointless, as normally the only way to confront a bully is to look him square in the eye, and then punch him square in the face.

Owens did that, and more.

James is great as Owens, bringing to life one of America's greatest Olympic legends.

And he is presented, warts and all, and not lifted up as something other than a normal man, who just happened to be really, really fast.

The real revelation is Sudeikis playing a non-comedic role.

He gets a great chance to shine, and his scenes with James bring their chemistry to life.

Also of note, Germany filmed the games for the documentary Olympia, and that storyline also unfolds in this movie, and much of what they brought to that production is the backbone of televising modern sporting events.

Final Grade: Solid B

The First Review of 2014..."Beautiful Creatures"

Beautiful Creatures  (2013)
Rated PG-13

Starring Alden Ehrenreich, Alice Englert, Jeremy Irons, Emma Thompson

Directed by Richard LaGravenese



The Story:

Ethan (Ehrenreich) wants to graduate and leave South Carolina as soon as possible. (Dude, I can totally relate...)  But then one day, Lena (Englert) arrives at school, and she is the woman that has been haunting his dreams.  It turns out that she is the granddaughter of Macon Ravenwood (Irons) and all the townsfolk are abuzz because legend has it that he Ravenwoods are devil worshippers.  In actuality, it turns out that Lena is a witch.  But is she going to be a good witch, or a bad witch?

I don't know.

I didn't make it past the 20 minute mark.

:)

I gave it a chance, but the movie was just dragging along like an anchor.

I had seen the trailer, and had a rough idea what I was getting into when I moved this one to the top of the queue.

But the fascinating struggle of darkness and light was never revealed before I got bored with the film.

Nope, not even the almost always watchable Jeremy Irons could save this one as Mr. Ravenwood.

"How Dare You Not Like My Movie!!"

Heck, I'm not even sure when Emma Thompson showed up, I was long gone by then.

So does Lena turn good or evil?

I don't know, and quite frankly, I don't care.

Based off of the book by the same name, if it is a series of books, I will not be returning for any subsequent sequels.

Final Grade: D-

Rewatchability/Purchase Factor: And we have our first contender for 2014 Turkey of the Year right here!

I'm In A New York State of Mind..."Die Hard With a Vengeance"

Do I look Puerto Rican to you?

The Story:

John McClane (Bruce Willis) returns, and this time New York City is being held hostage by terrorist Simon Gruber (Jeremy Irons).  He's planted a bomb in one of the thousands of New York schools, but wants to play a game of Simon Says with McClane.  After inadvertently helping McClane with his first test,  Harlem shopkeeper Zeus (Samuel L. Jackson) is forced by Simon to help McClane the rest of the day.  Can McClane save the day again?

Ah... that's better.

John McTiernan returns to the franchise, and reinvigorates it with a return to form from the first, with a terrorist act covering up for an elaborate heist.

And why not tie this to the first even further by bringing the best villain family line back into play, as Jeremy Irons steps into the role of Hans' brother.

Yes, if you're going to do Die Hard, you might as well borrow all of the elements that made it work so well in the first place.

It's fun, and it crackles from start to finish.

The banter between McClane and Zeus is gold throughout.  Yes, there's even a subtle lesson in racism tossed in for free, but often overlooked because it actually works in reverse.

It could be argued that part 3 departs too much from McClane as the solo hero and enters buddy cop territory.

Eh.

I see the point, but at the end of the day, it's McClane with a novice who is along for the ride by force, not so much by choice.

While McClane doesn't do much of the claustrophobic sequences this go round, he ends up running amok in New York which can be even more unsettling than being trapped in ventilation or elevator shafts.

If you're going to close out a trilogy, again, like many franchises, you end with a solid bang that is better than the second while falling short of the first.

Die Hard with a Vengeance did that admirably.

They had no idea there would be another movie over a decade later...


Oh, and if anyone can honestly explain to me how they do the water jugs to disarm the bomb, I'd love to hear it.  I laugh during that scene every time because it makes absolutely no sense. :)

Final Grade: A

Rewatchabililty/Purchase Factor: My second favorite in the series, and just a fun movie to watch.  The chemistry between Jackson and Willis is a lot of fun to watch and enjoy.

Plagiarism Knows No Bounds... "The Words"

 Actions speak louder than...The Words!


The Story:

A struggling writer (Bradley Cooper) and his wife (Zoe Saldana) are on their honeymoon in Paris.  She buys hubby a bag, and when he returns he discovers a manuscript in the bag.  It's brilliant.  So much better than what he had written before.  He retypes it, verbatim.  It gets published.  Rave reviews. Accolades.

And then the guy who wrote it (Jeremy Irons) shows up and kills everyone with an axe.

Okay, so I made that last part up, but perhaps it's what this film needed?


For starters, it begins with ANOTHER author (Dennis Quaid) who is apparently doing lectures, wherein he reads his book, about what I've just revealed to you. 

Yeah, this level of narration is totally not needed.  Is he really the star, hiding himself as a character layered within another level of story?  The movie seems to end that way, which is totally unnecessary.


And really, a waste of talent and plot device.  We already have one writer stealing from another, to have the third writer adds a layer that is wholly unnecessary. 

There is much dramatic potential and promise... and most of it wasted.

The flashbacks of the actual story and the interactions between Irons and Cooper are the best parts of the entire movie.

I've endured worse films, and it isn't bad, but don't rush to see this one.

Final Grade: C+

Would I Own It:  Words cannot express the unlikelihood of that happening.  Oh wait, yes they can: No.

: )