Try To Avoid The "Holidays"

Holidays (2016)

Rated R

Starring A Whole Lot Of Actors

Directed by A Whole Lot of Directors

The Stories:

In about 15 minutes, you will get a scary tale centering on most of the holidays that make up a year.


I honestly don't know how to possibly review this one.

It's several 15 minute segments, some with more inspired dread than others, and then they all end.

BANG!

Usually with a jump scare at the end as if that were the payoff.

The problem....

Most of the films aren't that scary.

Or, if they are, the ending seemingly undoes any tension or goodwill that the movie might have earned along the way.

Plus, in 15 minutes, it's hard to care for any character so that when they get theirs at the end, or get away with murder or what have you, you have a general feeling of...

Meh.

Next holiday!

None of them are terrible to watch, and if you think of it as just watching a 15 minute short film, it goes by and then it goes by, and by, and by...

Then it's over and you've survived.

Uninspiring and flat spring to mind when I try and remember each of the segments.

Congratulations, you're the first film eligible for 2017 Turkey of the Year!

:)

Streaming on Netflix as of  this writing.

Final Grade: D+ 

Gearing Up For The "Holidaze"

Holidaze (2013)

TV-14

Starring Jennie Garth, Cameron Mathison, Kristin Booth

Directed by Jerry Ciccoritti

The Story:

 Melody (Garth) is an executive who specializes in making little towns see how important it is to build a giant retail store in their town. When she is sent back to her hometown to close the deal, she runs into friends, family and an old flame (Mathison). However, she takes a tumble and wakes up in a world where she never left home and married her sweetheart. With a new look at life, will she change her ways and realize she has a chance to enjoy a truly wonderful life?

See what I did there? :)

However, this film is actually more like the underrated Family Man.

Instead of a movie where the hero sees what life was like if they had never been born, this one shows what life would have been like if they had selected family over career.

Strangely enough, they are usually happier when selecting the family.

Go figure.

One of the ABC Family films that debuted during their annual 25 Days of Christmas (now playing!) celebration, this one actually takes place closer to Thanksgiving.

Which means it is the perfect way to start getting into the holiday season without actually having to play a Christmas movie.

However, if you're like me and have no problem watching Elf or something like that in like, oh, June or July, then no worries.

:)

You'll see all the twists and turns coming, but that's usually not a bad thing in films like this one.

Available to stream instantly on Netflix as of this writing.

Final Grade: C/C+ range

Rewatchability/Purchase Factor: Could become an annual way to kick off the holiday season with those movies that stretch back to Thanksgiving. :)

An Idea Most Fowl... "Free Birds"

Free Birds (2013)
Rated PG

Starring Owen Wilson, Woody Harrelson, Amy Poehler, George Takei

Directed by Jimmy Hayward

The Story:

Reggie (Wilson) is a turkey who cannot make his flock understand the truth about their fate.  Enter Jake (Harrelson), a turkey on a mission:
To go back to the first Thanksgiving and get turkeys off the menu.  Using an experimental time machine named S.T.E.V.E. (Takei), the birds take flight and wind up in Plymouth.  With the help of the local population, these two birds must outwit the pilgrims who want them dead...and cooked to a delicious ending!  Who will succeed?

To my knowledge, this is the first full-fledged animation venture from Reel FX Creative Studios.

And for the most part, they do a decent job with what they produced.

The animation looks lush and vibrant and the voice acting is decent.

Basically, it's an okay story that will entertain the kids for 90 minutes and won't sap all of the willpower of the adults who are watching.

The problem with that, we've grown accustomed to Pixar and the other animation studios really stepping up their game in recent years to deliver masterpiece after masterpiece.

When we receive something lesser...

Somehow we feel cheated.

So I'm looking forward to their next film, I just hope they work a little harder on the script.

Final Grade: C

Rewatchability/Purchase Factor: Sorry, A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving will remain the only film in rotation so far...

How Far Would You Go? "Prisoners"

Prisoners (2013)
Rated R for language and violence

Starring Hugh Jackman, Jake Gyllenhaal, Terrence Howard, Maria Bello, Viola Davis, Paul Dano

Directed by Denis Villeneuve

The Story:

On Thanksgiving, the Dover (Jackman and Bello) and Birch (Howard and Davis) families get together to celebrate.  As the day wears on, the little girls ask to go back over to the Dover household to get something.  The parents agree, and the girls leave.  Later, the parents ask the oldest son where the girls are, and he hasn't seen them.  Apparently he did not walk the girls back home like the parents assumed.  They frantically look around the neighborhood and contact the police about an RV that was seen in the neighborhood with some creepy guy (Dano) hanging out inside of it.  Detective Loki (Gyllenhaal) takes the lead on the case, but when the girls are not immediately found, Dover decides to take matters into his own hands.

How far would you go to...what would you do... to find and protect your little ones?

This is a very dark film that ratchets up the tension with each passing moment.

The movie runs almost 2 1/2 hours, but amazingly doesn't really ever drag and feel like it.

Everyone does a fantastic job in their roles.

Jackman's descent into madness as he tries to keep his sanity and trying to not cross any lines permanently is the driving force of the film.

Gyllenhaal grows nicely into his role as a detective who knows the dad is onto something, as well as up to something but remains half a step behind.

The ending of the film...

I think it varies between everyone who has watched the movie.

I'll leave it for you to decide.

Final Grade: Solid B

Rewatchability/Purchase Factor: Too dark and too intense to make for an enjoyable rewatching experience.

Black Friday Is The Perfect Day To Announce A "Holiday Engagement"

Haven't I seen this before?

The Story:

Hillary (Bonnie Somerville) longs for the approval of her parents (Shelly Long and Sam McMurray).  Now she is engaged to Jason (Chris McKenna), a successful lawyer and they are planning to head to her family for the long Thanksgiving weekend.  But when Jason gets a promotion that would require him to move, Hillary is less than thrilled, so Jason opts for career over love.  Now desperate, Hillary puts an ad on a dating site for  someone to pretend to be her boyfriend for the weekend.  Enter David (Jordan Bridges) a struggling actor who just might fit the bill.

My Fake Fiance.
Holiday in Handcuffs.
Holiday Engagement.

Welcome to the wonderful world of mistaken identity romantic comedies!  This one was offered up by the Hallmark Channel back in 2011.

To ring in the holiday season, let's start with Thanksgiving, which is different than Christmas, and provides a nice bookend to holiday viewing.

I'm always a fan of starting early, which is why you've seen reviews for holiday themed movies/specials appear sporadically throughout the year.   And I'm not done yet!

: )

It's nice to see that Shelley Long is still acting, I haven't seen her in ages.

The rest of the cast are mostly newcomers, at least for me, but everyone does a fine job playing their roles.

It's a very comfortable film, you feel like you've seen it before even on the first viewing, and it just becomes more ingrained on you with repeated viewings.

It's like enjoying a cup of cocoa on a chilly day. 

It never really gets old.

Available to stream instantly on Netflix as of this writing, whenever you are ready to kick off your holiday viewing celebration!

Final Grade: B

Rewatchability/Purchase Factor: I won't be rushing out to buy it, but I could see giving it a whirl to kick off the holidays in future holiday seasons.

The Top 10 Turkeys of 2013

And the Golden Raisinets Go To...

Time to put the year 2013 in the record books, at least as far as the "Worst Movies of the Year" go.

For you see, it is time once again to spend Thanksgiving with you all, as we prepare to indulge in turkey, by running down memory lane for those movies that were just absolutely abysmal this year.

Now, for those that have been on this site since last year, you might remember that only 5 movies hit the list.

This year, I was not nearly as generous.

From Thanksgiving to Thanksgiving is the calendar I use to see if a movie is truly a turkey or not.  Best movies still have another month to squeeze in under the wire.

But starting tomorrow, it's a whole new game for the losers of cinematic appeal.

That said, of the hundreds of movies and shows I watched this year, only 23 wound up in the running by scoring a D+ or worse on the scale.  Conversely, there are, as of this writing, no fewer than 45 movies vying to make the Best of the Best list by scoring a B+ or higher.

That's right, it just seems like I give a lot of movies high grades, but the majority of the year, most movies get the C/B range from me.

I could be harsher.  I could be more lenient.

But I like my grading scale, it works for me!

Most of the movies on this list were not the budget movies that didn't entertain me, that would be too easy.  Most of these had a budget, and yet somehow they forgot to spend any of it on entertainment value.

Tsk tsk.

So I've rambled enough, let's get right down to it!

On with the countdown!

# 10 - Frankenweenie

I think I made my stance on this one perfectly clear earlier this year:  I don't like/get Tim Burton.  I hate his animated/claymation style.  But I wanted to give it a chance.  It was not for me, and when I look around and none of my kids are paying attention, I know this can't be any good.  30 minutes.... turned off!

 # 9 - New York, I Love You

I barely remember any of this multi-actor, multi-director ode to New York.  I can't believe I made it 28 minutes before turning it off.  However that fares only slightly better than the next film on the list.

# 8 - Playing for Keeps

To be honest, I had to look this movie up to even see what it was about.  That can't be a good sign, can it?!  Oh yeah, this is the soccer dad trying to coach his kid's team, and all the soccer moms wanting to get in his pants... zzzzz....  Thankfully, Gerard Butler rebounded with Olympus Has Fallen and I can forget this snoozefest.







# 7 - The Great Gatsby

It sure looked pretty.  20 minutes in, I was bored, and was either playing a game, writing a review, or possibly sleeping with my eyes open.  If DiCaprio had a field day in the role, I'll never see it.  I couldn't get past Tobey's boring prologue to the story.

# 6 - After Earth

To give Will Smith's futuristic travesty some perspective, it was the only movie on this list that I actually watched all the way through.  Granted, over half of that was sped up at 1.5x on the PS3... and I think we even skipped a chapter altogether.  Either way, it still felt like 8 hours of my life I'll never get back.

# 5 - V/H/S

Probably the lowest budget of all the losers this year, you just don't make a scary movie, without making it scary.  Give the audience the hook and reason to stick around or you'll lose them.  Some, as early (or late) as the 18 minute mark.

# 4 - Rock of Ages

Even Tom Cruise couldn't save this musical 80s retrospective.  And this coming from a guy that doesn't mind musicals!  It just felt like they violated the very structure of the musical by singing too much, and advancing the plot too little.  20 minutes later, it was out of the player.

# 3 - MacGruber -

This unfunny SNL skit brought to life made it a whopping 20 minutes into the story before I give up.  This comes from someone who has never previously turned off any movie based on an SNL skit, or turned off many movies starring former SNL cast members.

# 2 - Jeff, Who Lives at Home

Oh, this was so painfully unfunny.  Also undramatic.  Not sure what genre they were shooting for, but for this viewer, they missed on all fronts and just released a painful to sit through experience.  Like root canal, by way of DVD.  Incredible waste of talent.

# 1 - Spring Breakers

The winner of the losers... Right here!  9 minutes in, and I had to turn this sleaze off.
And take a shower.  What a dreadful movie this was.  I understand the Mouseketeers wanting to grow up and take on non-Disney roles, but ladies, this isn't the way to do it.


So there you have it.

The clock is being reset, and there's 364 more days to discover what the worst movies of 2014 are.

Here's hoping I don't find any...

But I doubt I'll be that lucky!

:)


Happy Thanksgiving to you and your families!