Time to put the year 2013 in the record books, at least as far as the "Worst Movies of the Year" go.
For you see, it is time once again to spend Thanksgiving with you all, as we prepare to indulge in turkey, by running down memory lane for those movies that were just absolutely abysmal this year.
Now, for those that have been on this site since last year, you might remember that only 5 movies hit the list.
This year, I was not nearly as generous.
From Thanksgiving to Thanksgiving is the calendar I use to see if a movie is truly a turkey or not. Best movies still have another month to squeeze in under the wire.
But starting tomorrow, it's a whole new game for the losers of cinematic appeal.
That said, of the hundreds of movies and shows I watched this year, only 23 wound up in the running by scoring a D+ or worse on the scale. Conversely, there are, as of this writing, no fewer than 45 movies vying to make the Best of the Best list by scoring a B+ or higher.
That's right, it just seems like I give a lot of movies high grades, but the majority of the year, most movies get the C/B range from me.
I could be harsher. I could be more lenient.
But I like my grading scale, it works for me!
Most of the movies on this list were not the budget movies that didn't entertain me, that would be too easy. Most of these had a budget, and yet somehow they forgot to spend any of it on entertainment value.
Tsk tsk.
So I've rambled enough, let's get right down to it!
On with the countdown!
# 10 - Frankenweenie
I think I made my stance on this one perfectly clear earlier this year: I don't like/get Tim Burton. I hate his animated/claymation style. But I wanted to give it a chance. It was not for me, and when I look around and none of my kids are paying attention, I know this can't be any good. 30 minutes.... turned off!
# 9 - New York, I Love You
I barely remember any of this multi-actor, multi-director ode to New York. I can't believe I made it 28 minutes before turning it off. However that fares only slightly better than the next film on the list.
# 8 - Playing for Keeps
To be honest, I had to look this movie up to even see what it was about. That can't be a good sign, can it?! Oh yeah, this is the soccer dad trying to coach his kid's team, and all the soccer moms wanting to get in his pants... zzzzz.... Thankfully, Gerard Butler rebounded with Olympus Has Fallen and I can forget this snoozefest.
# 7 - The Great Gatsby
It sure looked pretty. 20 minutes in, I was bored, and was either playing a game, writing a review, or possibly sleeping with my eyes open. If DiCaprio had a field day in the role, I'll never see it. I couldn't get past Tobey's boring prologue to the story.
# 6 - After Earth
To give Will Smith's futuristic travesty some perspective, it was the only movie on this list that I actually watched all the way through. Granted, over half of that was sped up at 1.5x on the PS3... and I think we even skipped a chapter altogether. Either way, it still felt like 8 hours of my life I'll never get back.
# 5 - V/H/S
Probably the lowest budget of all the losers this year, you just don't make a scary movie, without making it scary. Give the audience the hook and reason to stick around or you'll lose them. Some, as early (or late) as the 18 minute mark.
# 4 - Rock of Ages
Even Tom Cruise couldn't save this musical 80s retrospective. And this coming from a guy that doesn't mind musicals! It just felt like they violated the very structure of the musical by singing too much, and advancing the plot too little. 20 minutes later, it was out of the player.
# 3 - MacGruber -
This unfunny SNL skit brought to life made it a whopping 20 minutes into the story before I give up. This comes from someone who has never previously turned off any movie based on an SNL skit, or turned off many movies starring former SNL cast members.
# 2 - Jeff, Who Lives at Home
Oh, this was so painfully unfunny. Also undramatic. Not sure what genre they were shooting for, but for this viewer, they missed on all fronts and just released a painful to sit through experience. Like root canal, by way of DVD. Incredible waste of talent.
# 1 - Spring Breakers
The winner of the losers... Right here! 9 minutes in, and I had to turn this sleaze off.
And take a shower. What a dreadful movie this was. I understand the Mouseketeers wanting to grow up and take on non-Disney roles, but ladies, this isn't the way to do it.
So there you have it.
The clock is being reset, and there's 364 more days to discover what the worst movies of 2014 are.
Here's hoping I don't find any...
But I doubt I'll be that lucky!
:)
Happy Thanksgiving to you and your families!
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