Rated PG-13
Starring Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connelly, Anthony Hopkins, Ray Winstone, Emma Watson, Logan Lerman, Douglas Booth,
Written and Directed by Darren Aronofsky
The Story:
Noah (Crowe) is having some visions that the world is coming to an end. His visions tell him to make an ark, and that all of the innocent animals will be saved, and humanity must be extinguished to pay for our sins.
How cheery!
How do you take a tale from the Old Testament that is both a warning and a sign of promise from God and turn it upside down and make it a miserable experience?
Give it to Darren Aronofsky.
He manages to suck any semblance of hope and awe from this tale and present a shambles of a mess that is both baffling as it is overproduced.
Basically, even Michael Bay wouldn't produce a disaster flick this bad.
I only invoke Bay because in the middle of this movie, you will see Transformers.
No, I'm not kidding.
In fact, as I chatted with my oldest while watching this movie, it became more fun to explain what the movie was like if we used the higher profile roles that these actors played before:
Jor-El (Crowe) senses that Kyrpton is doomed. He seeks the advice of his All-Father, Odin (Hopkins) on what to do. Odin advises him to take his wife, Betty Brant (Connelly) and with the help of the aforementioned Transformers, create a great ark to house all of the animals of the world. Along for the ride are their children, Shem (Booth) who married Hermione (Watson) and using powerful magic hope to keep the human race alive. Their middle son, Percy Jackson (Lerman) and a third son who is totally inconsequential to anything.
See?
Already, you WANT to see THAT movie!
I'm not even going to bash this movie from a Christian point of view, which I could, but what would be the point?
I'm sticking strictly as a movie fan.
Regardless of faith, this movie should bore you to tears, while simultaneously making you laugh at the sheer ludicrousness of the situation.
How does the bad guy get on the ark?
Ugh... so many implausible questions arise from this one.
I've only seen one other movie by Aronofsky, The Wrestler. I was unimpressed by that film also.
I don't think I'll be back for a 3rd chance of disappointment.
Final Grade: D
Rewatchability/Purchase Factor: I offered to pay each and every one of my children 5 dollars per kid to watch it again. I had no takers. :)
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