It's Okay To Watch "The November Man" In The Summer, Right?

The November Man (2014)

Rated R

Starring Pierce Brosnan, Luke Bracey, Olga Kurylenko

Directed by Roger Donaldson

The Story:

Devereux (Brosnan) is an ex-CIA operative who got out of the game to live a quiet life.  When an old flame is threatened, he laces up the boots one last time to get her out, but she is killed.  Devereux survives the attack which was led by his former pupil, Mason (Bracey). Now it's game on as Devereux realizes he must take down the corruption in the CIA and figure out how this all relates to the impending election of a new Russian president.

You can take the man out of the Bond, but you can't take the Bond out of the man.

Will Pierce Brosnan forever be typecast as the smooth operator who is aging gracefully but no matter how retired he is, will always be a danger to others?

And if so, is that necessarily a bad thing?

It's Bond-lite to be sure, or at least new-age Bond with less girls, less gadget and more ruthless aggression.

Brosnan does fine work as an assassin who is pulled in for one last job and then must take on the establishment to make them pay for what they've done and what they plan on doing.

If you want an action-thriller you haven't seen yet, give this one a spin.

Currently streaming on Netflix as of this writing.

Final Grade: B-

Trying To Watch This One Is Like "Hell Baby"

Hell Baby (2013)

Rated R

Starring Rob Corddry, Leslie Bibb

Written and Directed by Robert Ben Garant and Thomas Lennon

The Story:

A couple (Corddry and Bibb) are expecting their first baby. They move into a haunted house in New Orleans, and strange things begin happening.

The first strange thing that happened was the filmmakers made Rob Corddry not funny.

Those that have read my other reviews, I love this guy in just about everything he is in.

Hot Tub Time Machine, I'm looking at you!

But even he can't save this pedestrian parody vehicle.

The first rule of parody is to take the source material and put a humorous or funny spin to it.

I'm not sure how far I made it into this film, 10, 20 minutes...

But it felt like a lifetime until I finally switched it off and sent this one back.

No humor.
No scares.

No likey.

This was brought to you by the creators of Reno 911.

Perhaps I don't get their humor, having never seen that show, I can't say.

But I wasn't a fan of this one at all, and it winds up on my Turkey of the Year list with a miserable showing.

Final Grade: F

Who's "The DUFF" In Your Life?

The DUFF (2015)

Rated PG-13

Starring Mae Whitman, Robbie Amell, Bella Thorne, Bianca Santos, Skyler Samuels, Nick Eversman, Ken Jeong, Romany Malco,

Directed by Ari Sandel

The Story:

Bianca (Whitman) is entering her senior year and she gets stuck with writing the article of what homecoming means to her by Mr. Arthur (Jeong). Naturally, Bianca is that one girl that has no interest in homecoming or the assignment. She does however, have a major crush on Toby (Eversman) and would do anything to get to know him. Enter her obnoxious jock "friend", Wesley (Amell) who is going to teach her how to stop being the DUFF and start being herself.

Okay, I suppose I owe the explanation of the acronym DUFF:

Designated Ugly Fat Friend.

:)

Once Bianca learns that she is the DUFF of her two best friends (Santos & Samuels) needless to say, she's not too happy.

And when the evil queen of the school (Thorne) tries to stop Bianca from being friendly with Wesley, the claws really come out.

So what do you think, sound familiar?

Taking equal parts of Whatever It Takes, She's All That, Mean Girls and countless other high school ugly duckling/beautiful swan movies, The DUFF adds to the catalog with another winner.

Because face it, when these are done well, they are a lot of fun and add another time capsule of "life in high school" to a long list of cinematic cult favorites.

It's a genre I enjoy watching, and normally they are fun to share with the kids.

This is where I pull out my soapbox and mention that this film uses a bit more language and innuendo than I would have preferred in a PG-13 film, so it gets knocked down because of it.

I still think it's a lazy screenwriter trap to be explicit, but the world is full of potty mouths, so what can you do?

I would have liked to add this to favorite films of the year, but I'm taking it down a notch for the language.

Still a pretty funny movie though.

Final Grade: B

"Chopped" Puts The Food Network Back On Top

Chopped (2007)

Hosted by Ted Allen

The Story:

The Food Network offers yet another reality tv contest wherein 4 chefs are each given mystery baskets of ingredients. Over the course of 3 rounds they will create an appetizer, a main course and a dessert with those ingredients plus whatever else in the pantry suits their fancy.

At the end of each round, their dishes will be tasted and judged by a celebrity panel, and one of the contestants will be...

Chopped!

So simple, and yet so utterly watchable. 

Unlike Cutthroat Kitchen, the ingredients of the basket are really the only sabotage in this game.

Forget to use an ingredient and you're likely going home.

While they say it's not an automatic disqualification, it's pretty darn close to automatic.

If you enjoy these cooking shows, odds are you've been watching them for years already.

For me, I've only just begun to dive in, so my Top 10 Television of 2015 is going to look like The Food Network took over programming.

:)

The judges all do a great job of evaluation on what they see and taste. The benefit of them being there is the banter at their table as they watch, and their impression of how well, or how poorly each chef really did in the time they are given.

Ted Allen gets to host and lift the silver lid off the platter in dramatic fashion, but his  no-nonsense approach works well in a show like this were a more charismatic host could ruin the flow of the show or put the spotlight on their antics instead.

Very well done to all involved.

A few seasons are now streaming on Netflix as of this writing.

Final Grade: B+

This Movie Should Be Dragged "Into The Woods" And Left There

Into The Woods (2014)

Rated PG

Starring Anna Kendrick, Meryl Streep, Daniel Huttlestone, James Corden, Emily Blunt, Christine Baranski, Tracey Ullman, Johnny Depp, Chris Pine, Mackenzie Mauzy, and a cast of thousands.

Directed by Rob Marshall

The Story:

What do you get when you combine Cinderella, Rapunzel, Red Riding Hood, Jack and the Beanstalk a wicked witch and an annoying baker and his wife into a musical?

If you guessed an excruciating 2 hours (plus change!) of your life sucked from the earth, congratulations, you've apparently already seen this movie.

Oh. My. Goodness.

I can see that on paper this might sound appealing. 

Apparently, it works on the Broadway stage.

But wow, this was a rambling, overblown mess of a movie that just wouldn't end.

You think it will, but no, it's like they remembered, no, we still have the big finale where all the tales must once again intersect with each other in the  most contrived way possible.

So why did I finish the whole film, you ask?

I'm not sure.

Boredom.

Train wreck style, I wanted to see if it could get any worse.

Well, it never truly got worse, but it never got any better.

It was a visually pleasing movie, and all of the actors were game for their roles.

It was simply too much.

And not even of a good thing, it was simply too much of everything.

I'm guessing that some of this was added for the movie, because I can't see a broadway production pulling off that massive of a storyline every night.

Plus, the one thing about a good musical, or even an average musical, is the songs which the cast should sing.

There isn't a memorable tune or melody to be found in this feature from start to finish.

Except one.

The one sung by Johnny Depp to a little Red Riding Hood.

This was perhaps the most cringe-worthy cinematic experience I've ever endured, watching a 50+ year old man dressed as a wolf, but only vaguely, expressing his desires for a child.

Unintentional I'm sure, but wow, does it just come off with a creepiness factor of about 11.

Final Grade: D

Does This Movie Make The "Top Five" List For Anybody ?

Top Five

Rated R

Written, Directed and Starring Chris Rock.

Also Starring Rosario Dawson, Gabrielle Union, J.B. Smoove, Cedric the Entertainer

The Story:

Andre Allen (Rock) used to be a comedian. He was funny. Then he starred in a series of action films that blew up the box office.  Now he wants to be considered something more than that, so he has filmed a new movie about a slave uprising that massacred a lot of white people. He gets interviewed by Chelsea Brown (Dawson) and she begins the interview with a simple, yet loaded question: why did you stop being funny?

And away we go...

If it sounds like the biography of Eddie Murphy, well, I thought that a lot too. Former comic turned box office star turned box office poison who is afraid to go back to his roots.

But I'm sure that's just one heck of a coincidence.

Chris Rock plays himself, which is fine, because that's what he does.

I might argue that perhaps he should have picked either one or two of the three hats that he decides to wear in this movie.

Because there are funny moments sprinkled throughout the film.  But sometimes the story is too dramatic, other times too over the top...

Cedric the Entertainer, I'm looking at your segment there!

:)

For a "day in the life" story that takes more than a day, the narrative tries to encapsulate the whole experience.

Perhaps there is too much story attempted to be shoehorned in, such as his impending marriage to a reality star (Union) being broadcast on her show.

Plus the title is just awkward, as they really only touch on it briefly, so in the context of the title of the movie, it doesn't really work at all.

Again, not a bad film, just not a great one.

However, if you always wanted to see Jerry Seinfeld "make it rain", look no further!

Final Grade: C

All Out Of BubbleGum... R.I.P. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper 1954-2015

In real life, he was Roddy Toombs.

Husband.
Father.

However, in the make believe world of professional wrestling, he was, and will always be for millions of fans worldwide, The Hot Rod: Rowdy Roddy Piper.

Piper was the epitome of a bad guy in the 1980s version of WWE (and the independents which I was lucky enough to watch from Portland before and during his WWF days), and that was the guy you loved to hate.

Piper was not the biggest. He was not the baddest.

You know, on second thought, maybe he was...

But he was sheer bravado and swagger, never afraid to take on anyone, anytime, and anywhere.

If he had to cheat to win, so be it.

The crowd reacted accordingly, and Piper relished in it.

In wrestling, or any other entertainment form, the hero is only as good as the villain, and without Piper, Hulkamania would likely have not run wild over you, and it's quite possible that the granddaddy of them all, WrestleMania might never have fully gotten off the ground.
Not to discount what Vince McMahon accomplished or what Hogan did, but Piper was why you bought the tickets; you wanted to see him get shut up by Hogan in the center of the ring.

That Hogan never pinned Piper became one of Piper's biggest accomplishments because Hogan pinned everyone!

This is the guy who took a coconut and smashed it over Jimmy Snuka's head.

He takes a gold record and smashes it over Captain Lou Albano's head and knocks Cyndi Lauper to the ground.

He's spit on by the public, detested by the fans, and he ate it up.

As a villain, he hosts Piper's Pit, the most popular talk show in wrestling history.

So beloved is Piper as a bad guy, that cool factor began to sway the fans and organically, the boos turned to cheers and finally, Piper's a good guy.

Before Stone Cold, wrestling had its first anti-hero in Piper. 

Amusingly, very little of his character changed. He was still mean, rude and nasty to his guests, they were simply now the bad guys in the feuds.

Like Hogan, and long before The Rock, Piper wound up in Hollywood and starred in movies, the most notable being "They Live" which is a true cult classic, his most inspired ad-lib line referenced in the title of this post.

He left the blueprint on how to be a charismatic character on the microphone for generations to learn from.

Plus he did it all while wearing a kilt.

Not bad. 

R.I.P.  Hot Rod.

You will be missed.