I Wish I Could Un-Remember This Remake..."Total Recall"

The remake that YOU demanded!

You didn't?

Well, someone did, and this is what we have to show for it.


The Story:

A troubled worker (Colin Farrell) has been having some bad dreams.  He tells his wife (Kate Beckinsale) about them, then goes about his dreary routine with his best friend.  But he wants something more.  So he decides to go to a place and have some memories implanted into him about being a secret agent.  Only it turns out...he already is one!

Dun Dun Dun!

To their credit, the makers of this version abandoned Mars and said "hey, the concept behind Total Recall is kinda cool, what can we do to make a similar story, but still be different."

And with that, they succeeded, and actually succeeded quite well.  The story they wanted to tell is actually kind of interesting.

In execution however...

There is something that just isn't there.

Could it be Quaid/Hauser's insistence on "I need something more...my life sucks...if only I were a secret agent..." ? Talk about laying the exposition on thick.

Maybe it's Beckinsale's turn as an unstoppable killing machine...except she's not a machine, and not really very good at killing her intended target.

Perhaps it's Jessica Biel who seems too soft of a character to be a higher up in the resistance.

Maybe it's just the lack of Ah-Nuhld?

Hard to say, but while the original Total Recall is not a cinematic masterpiece, it's pretty decent cheese that actually has aged well and still is as compelling as ever.

Again, the storyline is good and solid.

But everytime the remake takes a step forward, it takes two steps back.

Why the insistence on the same names?  I found myself trying to remember who played that character in the original film instead of investing in these new characters.

Why did they insist on keeping some things from the original and jettisoning others?

Really, was the lady with the 3 boobs (makes sense on Mars...less so on Earth) really necessary?  Of course, with today's generation, I remember when the film came out and either the studio or the actress had to go on social media and say "no, that's not real, it's special effects".

Duh.

We're getting stupider by the generation, and remakes like this aren't helping.

Any goodwill I tried to maintain with this film went out the window at the end when the line "Consider that a divorce" was NOT used.


I can't, in good faith, recommend seeing it.  Just watch the original again and have a blast.