Not A Reality Show...Or Is It? "Pawn Shop Chronicles"

Pawn Shop Chronicles (2013)

Rated R

Starring Paul Walker, Matt Dillon, Brendan Fraser, Vincent D'Onofrio, Chi McBride, Elijah Wood, DJ Qualls, Kevin Rankin,

Directed by Wayne Kramer

The Story:

A trio of stories involving some meth addicted white supremacists (Walker & Rankin), a man (Dillon) who finds a clue about the disappearance of his wife, and an Elvis (Fraser) impersonator all intersect through a Southern pawn shop.

Doesn't sound like anything you'd be interested in?

You might be right.

But this is a straight up, B movie, let's throw everything at the wall and see what the heck even sticks.

Surprisingly, more of it sticks than misses.

Each tale unfolds one by one, and it's not until you see the next story where you realize they intersect to tell of a single crazy day.

The glue to each tale is the pawn shop run by Alton (D'Onofrio) who sits around being harassed by Johnson (McBride) all day long.

Each tale stands on its own, with its own strengths and weaknesses.

The cast is top-notch playing some of the oddest characters in their careers.

Walker is much missed, and he's hilarious in this role as a white supremacist who finds out the real reason that they even go to the meetings is for the delicious buffet that's served. Otherwise, they really don't have a problem with the people they are supposed to hate.

Yep, that's the kind of crazy we're dealing with.

Or you have an Elvis impersonator who sucks at what he does who is offered a deal with the devil and takes it.

Like I said, it's unusual, but the cast and story kept me involved from beginning to end.

Final Grade:  B-

The One Time "Cooties" Isn't Too Bad

Cooties (2014)

Rated R

Starring Elijah Wood, Rainn Wilson, Allison Pill, Jack McBrayer, Leigh Whannell, Jorge Garcia

Directed by Johnathan Millot and Cary Murnion

The Story:

Clint (Wood) has come back to his alma mater to teach after his writing career went nowhere. He sees Lucy (Pill) the girl he always had a crush on, but she's going out with Wade (Wilson) the gym teacher. Awkward love triangle on the first day, complicated by a sudden zombie outbreak among all the little children entrusted to their care. It's students vs. teachers in the ultimate battle for survival!

Okay, I'll admit it, this was a pretty fun movie.

I love a good horror comedy, and as zom-coms go, this was right up there.

An actual plausible reason why kids could get sick is introduced in the opening credits (and is rather disgusting to think about).

That it escalates so quickly is insanely glorious in the scariness of it all.

If the same concept were played straight and not for laughs, this could easily have been one of those blood curdling horror movies that is thinly disguising a social message.

:: whew ::

Thankfully, it's played for all the fun and gore that a name like Cooties implies.

Lots of humor, great job from the entire cast and a pretty fun script that takes itself seriously while never attempting to not have some fun at the same time.

As usual, Rainn Wilson does not disappoint in his role.

I know I'd watch this one again in the future, so that's always a plus.

Final Grade: - B

Incorrect Title For The Start Of A Franchise... "The Last Witch Hunter"

The Last Witch Hunter (2015)

Rated PG-13

Starring Vin Diesel, Michael Caine, Elijah Wood, Rose Leslie, Julie Engelbrecht

Directed by Breck Eisner

The Story:

Kaulder (Diesel) led his men on a quest to kill the Witch Queen (Englebrecht) during the Dark Ages. With her dying breath, she granted Kaulder immortality so that he would be forever apart from his wife and children in the afterlife. Centuries later, there is a truce among the witches and humanity and Kaulder is the agent that hunts down rogue witches who would do evil and banishes them to a prison run by the witch council. But when his Dolan, # 36 (Caine) is attacked, Kaulder enlists # 37 (Wood) and a reluctant witch (Leslie) to help him save #36's life and stop the resurrection of the Witch Queen before it's too late.

It's nothing spectacular, but it's kind of fun.

Vin Diesel brings forth the beginning of another possible franchise and I already like this one more than the Riddick movies.

It seems to follow in the similar footsteps of The Brothers Grimm and Van Helsing, but takes the events more seriously than either of those films did.

That's not to say there isn't humor or a little heart to be found in the proceedings.

This time, instead of the usual vampires or supernatural monsters of the night, the focus turns to witches.

The movie will flash back to Kaulder's events centuries earlier, and even a few flash forwards to show what the world might be like if the Witch Queen isn't stopped.

Witches have been on the short end of the supernatural stick for some time, losing favor to the vampires and werewolves over the years, but this movie does a good job of showing what a formidable character witches can be.

It's a step in the right direction, and much better than watching sparkly vampires in love.

Final Grade: C+

A Not So "Grand Piano"

Grand Piano (2013)

Rated R for language

Starring Elijah Wood, John Cusack

Directed by Eugenio Mira

The Story:

Tom Selznick (Wood) is a concert pianist who suffered a meltdown 5 years earlier.  After the passing of his mentor, he is coming back to the stage to perform, but he's scared.  As he starts playing, he finds some mysterious scribblings from a mysterious stranger (Cusack): Play the music correctly, or I'll kill you.

Sheesh, everyone's a critic!

Oh wait...

This movie was thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis close to getting turned off and sent back around the 20 minute mark.

I'm pretty sure my honey wishes I had done just that, as I believe I endured another hour of eyerolling and groaning about the film.

But I soldiered on...

It may have even gone past the 20 minute mark.

Waaaaaaaaay too long of a setup for what was going to transpire, but I guess you have to pad somewhere to make the movie stretch to 90 minutes.

It does pick up when Cusack's killer is finally...finally! introduced to the movie.

Voice only.

He doesn't appear until the last 10-15 minutes of the film.

Luckily, he brings enough Cusackian charisma to the voice of the killer that he pretty much saved the film from being an abysmal failure.

Not by much, but close enough.

Hidden amongst the dramatic tension and Elijah Wood fearing for his life, is a heist film tucked away as a clever after thought.

That helped keep the final grade up as high as it is, but again, totally your call if you want to sit through it.

I would recommend if you do watch it, and naturally a week or two after I sent it back.....

It's now available for streaming on Netflix...

Just skip ahead to when Wood realizes his life is in danger, and start from there.

You'll like the movie more, and won't feel like you suffered through that dragging first half.

Final Grade: C-

Rewatchability/Purchase Factor:  Nope, this one is only being played once.